poor historian

when I was his age, my only toy was an old tin can

2012-01-31T10:59:00.000-06:00

this is the post that nap built

2012-01-29T13:57:00.000-06:00

brown to orange

2012-01-27T13:27:00.002-06:00

mommy still needs a day job, but for now mommy has lots of time to paint the kitchen before she goes to work.

AND! I will smugly note that the countertop has homemade muffins, cookies, and granola bars on it (the granola bars were admittedly a bit of a bust but doug is still eating them). behind the photographer, supper is waiting on the table for adam and doug to get home (penne alfredo with caesar salad in the fridge).

adam is 15 months old today

2012-01-22T18:53:00.004-06:00

dear baby whose mother missed the 14 month post:

don't let that colour your impression of my love for you.

you are a year and a quarter old today, sir. you weigh 24 pounds 14 ounces (after a mostly hashbrown-based dinner). you have many things to say, but most of them aren't in english (though you did say "uh oh" properly yesterday). your most recent new skills include showing people your belly, pointing to things on command (where's the cow? where's the puppy?), and perfecting a new dance move we like to call "the monster mash."

after going back to work and feeling like an independent human for the first time in over year, I am now at the point where I miss you fiercely, and want to see you much more than I currently do. mommy needs a day job.

every tuesday we go swimming together. you're registered in a class but being a toddler, I do most of the work, so once a week we brave the traffic and the crowded change room, I try my best to keep you from running away from me, and then we spend half an hour playing games in the water with all the other babies. and you love it. I think you'd spend all of every day in the bathtub or pool if we let you (how dare we not let you).

you have made your opinions clear in many other aspects of life. chicken for supper? how dare we. socks? HOW DARE WE. a car ride when you don't want one? HOW. DARE. WE???

daycare continues to become you, and on weekends we occasionally spend time with other children as well. it's not playing "with" so much as playing "near" other kids, but you do it well anyway.

I look forward to every one of your smiles, hugs, kisses, dance moves, and strange utterances. I find you more fascinating than ever as I watch your brain work every day. I feel like I'm beginning to see what sort of person you will be as you grow, and I hope it continues. happy month-day my engrossing, captivating kid.

I read sometimes

2012-01-16T18:20:00.002-06:00

I checked, and I'm up to 16 books on parenting. that is more than one book for every month of adam's life so you are forgiven if you think I might have a bit of a problem. some are about pregnancy, some say "dad" on them, implying I'm not their target audience, some are like memoirs and some are like instruction manuals, and I devour them all. there are all kinds of parents out there and I am, apparently, a parent who reads books on parenting.

I don't know if it ever relieves all my self doubt (after all, think of all the books I still haven't read, there might be a better one around the corner) but this one, simplicity parenting by kim john payne, sure did confirm a lot of things I already believed, and give me even more to think about.

I was going to talk about all the magnificent changes in thinking and in how our household is run as a result of reading this book, but it's hard to say it all without sounding quite judgmental (unless you keep disclaiming "I'm not judging but..." and that's just boring writing) and anyway, this isn't the first time we've said our baby won't watch TV. but I am going to endorse this book and loan it out to you if you wish because it gives you such a great "good old days" feeling about the way childhood used to be, or ought to be, or could be if we didn't cram it full of bright lights and busy times.

p.s. adam reads sometimes, too.

just before christmas adam got this book as a present from another kid at daycare, and it's now his favourite. he seeks it out and brings it to one of us several times a day, and sits patiently in our laps until the whole story is done.

2012-01-15T13:51:00.004-06:00

Hal
so... how's winnipeg?

Kristyn Marie
it's alright, beautiful day
we went and played outside for a while this morning
adam found a truck parked on the street, like a big truck bought by a guy who probably doesn't need a big truck
and he stood there and tried to make the tires spin. the tires spin on all the other vehicles he's ever touched, so why shouldn't the truck tires spin

Hal
heh... yeah, most people don't
that is a good question. Did you perform science? or magic?

Kristyn Marie
I guess it's science
adam learned that large truck tires don't spin when you touch them

Hal
more experiments!!!

Kristyn Marie
oh there's always science going on around here.
he's got some experiments on drinking from a cup without a spout on it, going on in the bathtub every night
there's the "how does spoon work and where does it go" experiment
and I believe he's going to propose research into staircases for like the millionth time, but we keep turning him down on that one

Hal
ah yes. I understand the grants for that kind of research take years

Kristyn Marie
the committee just doesn't see that necessary groundwork has been laid for this kind of study
not when there's still so much to be figured out concerning "standing perfectly still without suddenly falling over, for pete's sake"

adam's morning

2012-01-15T13:09:00.004-06:00

today started at 5:30 when adam somehow got his legs stuck in the bars of the crib. if he had been on his tummy when this happened we probably wouldn't have had a problem, but he was on his back and he's not much of a back sleeper, so I woke up to the most mournful, sleepy but uncomfortable, please help me sound. of all his cries it's the one that breaks my heart the most, it's more distress and less manipulation. it's the clear sound of a baby stuck on his back like a turtle.

anyway I tried my best. picked him up, kept the chatter to a minimum, grabbed a blankie and a stuffie and a rocking chair. but somewhere around 5:00 am is magical in his baby brain, it's the point of no going back to sleep. if it had been 4:30 or 4:45 I might have had some hope, but 5:30? I'm dreaming. I put him back in the crib to bitch and whine for a while because the cruel policy in this house is "mama isn't getting up until 6:00, sir." (note that if you ACTUALLY think this is cruel, please write me a letter. include your address so I can drop off a baby who likes to wake up before most bakers).

now doug isn't the greatest at hearing every little nightly noise the baby makes, but to his credit when he does finally hear something he's all action. about fifteen minutes into the bitching and whining, me lying awake staring at the ceiling all the while, he suddenly sat up like the pillow was on fire and rushed to the bedroom, liberating the early waking baby from the crib faster than I could say "no, look at the time, it's for his own goo- .... sigh...."

and we haven't stopped since. let me see, we played on the bed and read some books for a while, and beat the crap out of david bowie. then he ate a mom-sized portion of oatmeal and some blueberries, and played all over the main floor. someone has taught him how to knock on doors apparently because he stood outside the bathroom while daddy showered and rapped his knuckles and smiled, like knock knock ginger only without the "run away and don't get caught" part. when dad made it clear that he wasn't opening the door we sat on the couch and read books for a while.

then I showered and while I did my hair he threw all my hairstyling products into the laundry bin and got his fingers caught in the toilet lid. he ate a banana and some yogurt, and then we played in the basement where he threw three tantrums related to not being allowed to play on the stairs, and doug and I picked some large toys to put in the crawl space for a while, to be rotated out in a month or two, because we have more toys than we have room to walk down there.

then we went outside to play and walk around the neighborhood, and he stopped to touch a very big pick-up truck and try to make the tires spin. they didn't spin, so we stopped by the neighbors' house where some people are still in pajamas at 10:30 (I jealously remember those days). adam fell asleep in dad's arms at this point, sitting in their living room sucking his thumb while holding on to the tag on his hat. so we thought it best to take him home for some lunch and a nap. lunch was ridiculously large like all the rest of his meals lately, alphagetties and sweet potato puffs and fruit twists and soup crackers, oh my. then he ran around for a little while dancing to the music the toys make, before finally heading down for a nap. at noon.

I don't wonder why he needs naps. if anything, the question is how are his parents coping WITHOUT naps. weekends are exhausting in this house. yesterday at about 4:30 pm I found my eyes beginning to droop while I sat at work. I long for a day job just so I can get myself to bed at 8:00 p.m.

the book-reading baby. I love his tendency to disappear behind the loveseat with a well worn copy of "baby sees shapes."

mouthwash jukebox gasoline

2012-01-14T12:40:00.003-06:00

Doug makes long movies. so while I try to upload a three-minute video (I'm skeptical that it will ever happen), here's some needlepoint.

2012-01-12T20:48:00.004-06:00

the author looks up, surprised.

oh, you're still here. I didn't know anyone was looking.

sorry, folks.

I had grand intentions of writing, always tomorrow or the next day. I was going to tell the story of mcarthurmas in the style of "the night before christmas" because when a baby throws up on your face, it's funnier that way. I was going to post about a million pictures and movies. I was going to give the world the low-down on how much adam loves swimming lessons.

I have no excuse, other than that I really wanted to work on my super mario 3 world map cross-stitch. I'm sure you totally understand.

so for now, a promise: tomorrow I'm going to put up pictures. muchos pictures. maybe a movie or two. maybe some sarcastic banter, I don't know.

if you're one of the five people who continues to regularly check this thing, I appreciate your tenacity, and will reward it with more adam than you can stand. and maybe some pictures of cross stitch.

on the meaning of christmas and tradition

2011-12-21T00:55:00.004-06:00

this song is marvellous, and captures the beauty and meaning that christmas has always held for me. ignore his eye make-up, mom, and listen to the whole thing because the bridge will make you cry.

the first time I heard this song was last year, when adam was two months old. he wasn't a girl and he wasn't jet-lagged, but he was passed around to all and sundry, and carted all over the place, and he was exhausted by it, so this bit is what brought out the waterworks in his poor, equally exhausted mother:

and you won't understand
but you will learn some day
that wherever you are and whatever you face
these are the people who'll make you feel safe in this world

as far as I'm concerned there could be no more important message to take away from the season than this. these people, who are so happy to see you and have brought you a present, are always going to love you and will always be happy to see you, though they might not always give you presents (sorry buddy). we go our separate ways in life, we make new contacts, we form different opinions. it doesn't matter. this is the time of year where you surround yourself with those you love, renew bonds, and rejoice in another turn of the sun together.

I want to post this xkcd comic because the hover text made me laugh: "an 'american tradition' is anything that happened to a baby boomer twice."

this graph (chart? graph?) is pointing out that the music we listen to every december, like many other christmas traditions, belongs to our parents' childhood. our grandparents didn't grow up with it, our great grandparents were just humoring us, and our great-greats may have never heard any of it, depending on when they died. you probably don't need to go back very many generations before you find a christmas totally unrecognizable from the one you celebrate each year.

so, like ungrateful children everywhere I intend to pick and choose the traditions I love best from my childhood and then make up some more new ones as we go, and shape the christmas adam will remember as an adult. the best example of a tradition that I plan to continue with is the christmas eve present. every december 24 we get to open just one present, and inevitably it is pajamas, sometimes christmas-themed. this is just practical (and maybe a little vain): no one wants to photograph their kid opening presents in stained, ripped, baggy-kneed hand-me-downs. at the advanced and adult-sized age of 27, my mother still gets me pajamas every year, and now she enjoys trying to find some for her sons-in-law as well.

the best example of a new tradition that I'd like to get started? let me take you back to 2009 and tell you about the first christmas I ever spent with doug. there was no adam, though it may be hard to believe. to please his fairly new girlfriend whose fertility had not yet been alarmingly discovered, doug went out and purchased a five-foot tall tree, apartment-sized and comfortable. and then the two of us pooled together some hand-me-down decorations, purchased a few extra, and decorated his downtown apartment.

doug didn't have any christmas music, he still doesn't as far as I know, so we listened to josh ritter - the animal years. I know I go on about josh. if you know me, you know that my son's name was very likely plucked from a josh ritter song, and that I went to see him live only six days after giving birth. the song we set to the slideshow of adam's first year photos is also a la ritter, and this isn't just because of my hopeless crush on him (at least, not entirely). it's because the first time I ever listened to the animal years I was in a warm apartment, with big cold windows overlooking the city. I was with a man I felt fairly certain was something special (after all, he'd gotten me a christmas tree), even though I wasn't yet susceptible to words like "forever" or "it's a boy, ma'am." it is one of the earliest moments with doug where the word "home" felt entirely right, natural, permanent. he was dumbfounded that I had never heard monster ballads, as I recall.

anyway, my idea of a good tradition is mandatory animal years when we decorate the house. it lends itself pretty nicely to the christmas genre anyway, the lyrics are a little on the epic and biblical side, the melodies and instrumentation remind me of christmas songs I've maybe forgotten, and it takes me back to a happy memory faster than burl ives ever could. I'm formally suggesting this album to fill the void at dunnmas left by me finally breaking the alabama christmas cd we've been listening to for a decade or more.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2011-12-10T13:05:00.002-06:00

adam's ability to fall asleep in public is pretty limited. I know these kids exist, the ones who just drop off when they get sleepy enough, but as far as he's concerned you'd better have a crib in a darkened room or YOU WILL BE SORRY.

so you just know I have to take a picture of this when we achieve it. this is what we get for skipping morning nap and going to the mall. it took a lot of walking and strategic positioning of the blanket to achieve, and it was beautiful, and we got funny looks from people who must have wondered why he was so tired at 10 in the morning.

baby's first professional photo shoot

2011-12-02T14:38:00.003-06:00

if you love my baby as much as I love my baby, this will probably make your day.

kristyn's next big cross stitch

2011-11-26T15:27:00.001-06:00

I found a pattern, I made a plan. wish me luck.

nice socks, kid

2011-11-26T15:19:00.003-06:00

in accordance with the laws of the universe, that kid wore mismatched socks for several hours and through diaper changes and everything else I did not notice the glaring heterogeneity until AFTER I was standing there holding this photo in my hand.

anyway, a photo for the ages. you might also note that my kid is not afraid of strangers. not even big ones all in red and covered in beard. he sat there wondering what the deal was.

adam is 13 months old today

2011-11-22T21:33:00.002-06:00

nice hat, kid.

did you know you were 13 months old today? you're getting more sentient all the time. you must have known it was a big day at any rate, because you didn't go to daycare but you DID go to the mall to meet santa, and then you DID go to the doctor to get some immunizations.

can I just take a moment and tell you how awesome you are?

not every baby can walk away from people he knows and confidently set off across the mall while grandma chases him. not every baby will sit on santa's lap and look confused but never frightened or worried. not every baby will go hang out at the doctor's office and share his most winning smiles with that guy who always looks in his ears and maneuvers his hips uncomfortably and then gives him needles.

I'm coming to realize how lucky your dad and I are to have a kid that can confidently explore his world without needing too much coaxing or reassurance. you're curious and you're brave, which makes me so proud.

on the other hand you're becoming quite affectionate, baby. you hug, and you snuggle in to our necks, and you kiss (it's a lot like biting, actually), and you're willing and eager to sit in our laps and chill with a book or some backyardigans. these wonderful things are what I thought parenting would be 100% of the time (I was so dumb, baby) so now that you're willing to be so cuddly at least 25% of the time, I'm glad the past 13 months have convinced you that we're likable people.

since learning to walk exactly a month ago, your dancing has really taken off. facebook videos are forthcoming of your head bopping, bum bouncing, spinning in circles moves, and some day they'll be adorable, or adorable blackmail. in this machiavellian household, you just never know to what use we'll put over a thousand baby pictures and movies.

I'll stop writing these some-day embarrassing letters, baby, when you stop changing so fast that I need to step back and look at you on a monthly basis just to make sure I don't miss anything. you're a toddler now, that's for sure. a fascinating, learning-at-the-speed-of-light, intrepid little person whose brain is expanding all the freaking time and yet you still poop your pants. I can't get enough of you.

see you in a month, kid.

he does this with pasta spoons too

2011-11-13T12:44:00.001-06:00

who needs hair anyway

2011-11-10T14:36:00.003-06:00

post partum hair loss is just a way of kicking you while you're down. you've got a stomach that'll never look the same again, hips that don't fit pants the way they used to, and a get-ready routine that's been reduced to what you can do while the baby is napping. on top of that, the hair that you've only got ten minutes to do doesn't want to stay on your head anyway.

sick to death of all the brunette tumbleweeds rolling around the house, and starting to feel like any day now my hair would be so thin I'd be mistaken for the cryptkeeper, I made an appointment with my friendly neighborhood stylist.

hello mom hair! goodbye foot-long hair stuck to everything I touch.

billions!

2011-11-09T09:52:00.004-06:00

"The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies; were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff."

the world is a wonderful, elegant, astounding place, and carl sagan helped me see it. happy carl sagan day to you and yours. I think I'm going to bake an apple pie to celebrate.

2011-10-30T10:08:00.008-05:00

life with a baby is like that saying "make hay while the sun shines." DO EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN WHILE THE BABY IS NAPPING. which is why my house was decorated at 10 a.m. even though the party wasn't until 3. banner said "happy birthday wild thing!" and I did my best to impersonate the wild things font from the movie.

brown and green: for when blue has already been done.

wild things quilt made by a quilting friend of grandma meredith's.

paper boats made by me getting a little carried away.

if you look closely you'll spot my favorite decoration of all. can't see it? no?

ha! it's still on there as far as I know, I'm waiting for doug to notice how I've soiled his poster print and take it off.

HOW MANY OF THESE DID I MAKE?

there are people out there who really like baking and decorating the things they've baked, and then there's me.

the birthday boy in his birthday outfit, except that by the time guests arrived we'd lost the socks and bib. he had a beautiful costume, and I never ended up putting it on him because A) things got hectic fast and B) the house got warm, warm, warm. I try not to make the baby sweaty and angry when I can help it. the shirt says "wild thing" anyway.

isabelle, a.k.a. the only person under 25 at this party. as always I love it when I get to see older kids than adam, it's fun to see what my life will be like in approximately a year. and she loves toys, so we both got what we wanted.

can't read my party face.

schmoozin'

the best toys are the ones you don't even need to unpackage for him to play with.

laaaaaadies.

even more laaaaaadies.

pat holding and posing with someone else's gift to adam. which he really likes, by the way. he dive bombs the big green thing and cuddles with it like it's a kitty.

smile like you're not even tired OR concerned about the mess and what you're going to do with all these leftovers.

I probably should have tried to photograph isabelle's face. sorry court.

cupcake!!!

best believe we found it in his nose later.

ALL I CAN SMELL IS ICING.

andree came in costume, she doesn't normally dress this pretentiously.

the last guy to leave. "the invitation said until 6" he said, and then pat alone got to hang out with adam without twenty other people trying to steal him.

house is clean now. fridge and snack cupboard are JAMMED with food. some lucky trick-or-treaters are going to get tupperwares full of spinach dip tomorrow night.

post birthday

2011-10-23T14:04:00.004-05:00

happy birthday adam, love mom and dad.

I did not wrap presents because I would be the one opening them. instead, I got home after work on friday and I put to one side all his other toys and placed the new ones right where they'd be shiny and exciting. not photographed: doug also got adam a car mat, the kind every cool boy had when we were little, but I put it upstairs.

love auntie kaylin, uncle jared, and brielle and hannah. who loves cars? adam loves cars.

love grandma and grandpa. my dad has been waiting to buy boy toys for about 27 years, he spent a VERY long time selecting exactly the right tool bench for adam.

oh and a ball pit. and 100 or so balls. that is EXACTLY the sort of gift that someone gets for a kid they don't live with or clean up after. adam loves it, and we are learning to love picking up 100 or so balls from all over the basement.

oh grandma.

this was the gift we'd originally planned to get adam but it's missing pieces, the vital kind that hold it together, so we're gonna have to go find some screws and then call it a christmas present.

this is a kid who knows exactly where cupcake goes.

the real birthday party isn't until next week (and if you haven't rsvp'd yet, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?) so grandma meredith got adam a pumpkin book and anything else has to wait until grandpa gets home. fine by us, because birthdays are exhausting. yesterday he wore himself out just on new toys, I can't wait to see how he reacts to new toys AND A house full of well-wishers.

adam's first steps

2011-10-22T20:28:00.000-05:00

it's like he knew today was a big day...

adam is one year old today

2011-10-22T08:33:00.000-05:00

dear little boy who is no longer a baby:

dear little boy who astounds me every day:

dear little boy who changed my life:

mommy loves you.

for several days now I have been thinking about what I was doing a year ago at any given time. for example, as I write this (you must know I write these in advance, little boy) I check the clock and think to myself that a year ago, right now, I was waiting for your grandma to show up and feeling fairly light contractions every few minutes.

one year ago right now, this is what I looked like. oh my.

but what was I doing two or three or four years ago, little boy? I don't know. I certainly had no idea how important October 22 would be to me some day. photographic evidence shows me in some costume or another around that time every year because we take halloween very seriously in this house, but I hardly remember much more.

before you came along, little boy, I was many things to many people, I lived in many places and worked many jobs, I put together many halloween costumes and went to many halloween parties.

now you're here, and the past has just paled away. parents say nauseating things all the time like "I don't know what I did before kids," or "you can't understand what love is until you have children" or some other barf-inducing bit of wisdom. once upon a time I would discard this information and go back to sleeping and eating and going to the bathroom whenever I felt like it.

now though... now, I get it. and I try my best not to subject anyone else to those comments because, hey, I'd like to have a few adult friends still. but last weekend your nose was a snotty mess, a remnant of the first of many head colds that I expect you to get now that you spend time with other children almost daily. and we were running around, inside, then outside, then upstairs, then downstairs, and I found myself giving up on finding a kleenex or even a burp cloth to take care of the gross leaking out of your face and I simply used my sleeve.

I used my sleeve. to wipe your snot. and then I was wearing your snot. and this bothered me FAR less than you would think. honey, your mom can't clean up cat puke without gagging. to be as comfortable as I am with your bodily functions is nothing short of amazing considering I still can't even scoop out pumpkin insides.

consider another place I never thought I'd be. every day you eat at least one thing that I have made and frozen. these meals are elaborate, far better than the ones I make your dad, and they contain ingredients I was completely unfamiliar with a year ago, like leek or parsnips or lentils. you eat a lot of other things too, you voracious thing. basically whatever we put in front of you, but you are growing an opinion and let us know when the food sucks by throwing it on the floor. that is so rude, by the way.

what else? you still dance, and now you know how to specifically hit the buttons on toys so that the songs play. you were so good at hitting the button on your ball popper that you wore it out, and that was a sad day for me because the ball popper was the first toy I ever saw you sit and play with the way it was meant to be played with, where up to that point most toys were used as hammers or projectiles or seats or crutches. most toys still are.

you are deadly with those cats, sir. they used to play a game called "walk just out of the baby's reach" but now you catch them, more often than not, and they've started to get a more fearful look in their eyes when you glance their way. now that you're in daycare they spend their days lolling about and looking to me for entertainment, and they've started to think they own the place again. keep 'em in line, kid.

it has been a crazy year, little boy, and one where I finally feel like I understand my role in all of this. I no longer feel (most days) like there must be a mistake somewhere and you're going to be taken to a more competent mother at any minute. and going to work, while you go to daycare, has made me miss you so much that when I see you again I just want to cuddle and play and love you fiercely. I like to think the feeling is mutual, and for that reason alone I am so glad that we spend time away from each other.

a year ago right now I had no idea what I was in for. I was reasonably certain it was a baby, probably a male caucasian with blue eyes, but beyond that I was clueless. I couldn't have predicted the faint birthmark on your back, or the way your toenails grow at the speed of light, or the way smiles reach your eyes and my heart hurts I love you so much. I knew nothing, I still know nothing, really. but I am beginning to understand love, and what it feels to live with all your hopes and dreams and fears, everything that matters, outside of your own body and not entirely subject to your influence. it is scary, it is exhilarating, it is heart-wrenching, and it is nothing I could have predicted one year ago today.

but it's exactly where I want to be.

happy birthday, little boy.

adam's first year slideshow

2011-10-22T08:26:00.000-05:00

making mischief of one kind and another

2011-10-15T13:16:00.008-05:00

looking back I'm noticing that I've been all photos, no words lately. I don't know whether devoted fans (it's mostly adam's grandmothers) are happy or sad about this. I've complained to anyone who will listen about how much dumber I am these days, like a bit of my brain came out with the baby. I think of lisa simpson, screaming that she's losing her perspicacity. it really is a scary prospect, becoming dumb, particularly when I look in the mirror and feel very strongly that I'm losing my looks, too.

I used to play trivial pursuit with friends and the loser was always called "the pretty one." it was a consolation prize, if you couldn't be the brains of the operation at least you could (hopefully) marilyn monroe your way through life.

I should probably take up crossword puzzles or something, just keep the brain exercising, before this whole blog turns into nothing but baby pictures and keyboard mashing.

ek,krskrskk,kjkjrdfkdkxszllood

anyway! say hello to max, king of the wild things. ignore his hockey slippers. we dressed this kid up and hauled him off to the corn maze just outside the city for some fall fun.

kids: eminently washable.

haystack pyramid!

can't believe how high up he is.

best part of this whole day was the kitten in the barn. doug shot a video of him giggling at it and then trying to hit it.

PHOTOS ARE NEVER IN SEQUENCE ANYMORE AND IT MAKES ME SAD.

adam decided he didn't need a morning nap today, only to fall asleep for ten minutes on the way there. that's fine, I guess. he persevered and was in pretty good spirits, and is now taking a pretty magnificent afternoon nap.

crown didn't want to stay on. need to find a way to pin it.

my friend christopher at local shop awesome made this max suit. all the other hipster babies are jealous. on sunday doug and I will have been together for two years, and the very first time we ever hung out, it was to see the spike jonze adaptation of where the wild things are.

adam needs a bib because he is a wild thing of the drooly and snotty variety.

the goat tried to eat a drawstring on his jacket. goats are presumptuous like that.

not even phased by all the giant kitties he could be hugging right now.

these two crazy kids have been married for 28 years as of today.

adam knows to turn around and back up to go down the stairs, and he assumed the same logic would apply to getting off a haystack pyramid.

yeah, I can't see that ending poorly at all.

why are these sheep wearing the same outfit as me? tell them to get a different halloween costume.

again, animals schmanimals. he just wanted to walk.

some thanksgiveness

2011-10-15T13:11:00.003-05:00

late because I sometimes forget there are pictures on my camera.

in our thanksgiving finery, hanging out with grandma and grandpa's bathtub.

ignoring the guests and playing on our laptop, just like mom and dad used to get to do.

of all the family there, uncle art got the most kisses.

oooOOOooo

2011-10-14T12:08:00.003-05:00

more wedding - traci's photos

2011-10-04T14:06:00.001-05:00

more not-in-order for you. whatever that's about.

like a toddler frozen in carbonite.

so dapper.

more wedding - randi's photos

2011-10-03T13:56:00.000-05:00

when you really need to show the party side of the wedding, steal photos from your 19-year-old cousin.

the order of these is not right, which should be obvious. here goes anyway.

what a show-stealing ringbearer! and is that a new truck he's holding?! wow!

also it's so not fair being put with the groomsman who has better hair than you. sigh.

daddy daughter dance.

so embarrassed that other girls are wearing the same dress as me.

in case you couldn't guess, we are definitely listening to "the devil went down to georgia" right about here. best air fiddler in town.

oh, ceremony. okay.

what the event hall looked like before we filled it up with wedding.

how my sister was escorted down the aisle. my mother loves this photo because at this moment more than anything she just looks happy. not worried about how the kids had nothing but popcorn twists for supper, not thinking about how they're driving said kids to daycare after this, and certainly not yet thinking about whether my dad should go to the hospital to get his arm checked out because normally cars shouldn't hit it that hard.

living proof of the electric slide.

probably nothing to worry about.

when you're silly...

2011-10-02T13:55:00.005-05:00

you won't believe who hates wearing hats.

whoah, two photos of us as a couple in the space of a month, what's going on here. we're the seldom-photographed partnership.

a bowl of kernels caramel popcorn at the party = kristyn never leaves the food table. I AM A MONSTER.

the theme of this party was to regift something you didn't want, so doug finally rid himself of the dick towel he bought one time while exceptionally drunk. the guy on the right was incredibly disappointed when he received it.

ragdoll cats are well known for going limp when picked up and tolerating just about any pose you want to keep them in. this cat later chilled out inside a small gift bag for quite some time.

later, at another party.... I have no pictures of everyone in silly hats because by the time I remembered that I had a camera, allison was wearing every hat. she's greedy like that.

her head was sweaty.

convincing a tall person to wear a dollar store halloween thong is all I really wanted to do on a saturday night.

the tea towel of shame. I can't find this person on facebook, I'm actually not sure he gave out his real name, but maybe allison can get these pictures to him and inform him that I'm the sort of person who puts pictures of you in embarrassing underwear on the internet.

happy new month everyone

2011-10-01T13:17:00.007-05:00

if you are on facebook you may have noticed that I try my hardest not to post photos of adam too too often. or maybe you didn't notice, you have better things to do, that's okay. anyway, I try. I arbitrarily picked the last day of the month as the day I post a pile of recent photos and leave the rest of the month to other parents and other posters.

luckily there's no competition for attention over here, and it's unlikely that, having linked to this particular blog, you'll be annoyed that there are so many baby pictures. so that means that by coming here you get to see all these gems a full month before people on facebook will.

first off, a framing project. if you recognize yourself from these photos, holla!

this can and will be updated pending better pictures of some grandparents.

next up, a day at the park. specifically, today.

doug and I aren't big fans of walmart portrait studio, and we can't afford a real photographer. but we know a grandpa with a pretty nice dslr and a baby who absolutely loves crawling around on the ground outside. off we went.

baby's first shoulder ride.

oh hai.

you'd best believe that after all this fun the kid is now having the nap of a lifetime.

if it's got wheels he's probably down.

oh adam, my heart.

adam is 11 months old today

2011-09-22T09:49:00.000-05:00

dear big boy who goes to daycare all by himself:

I don't know where the time went, baby. roughly this time one year ago, I took a picture of myself from the side to show how you had dropped, and how suddenly my stomach was low, and three feet out from my body. I was eagerly awaiting your arrival, and I was no longer working because you did funny things to my heart rate.

holy crap, no wonder my stomach now resembles an orange.

so one year from then, I'm back at work, and that means that you're spending the day with a nice woman and a couple of other kids, instead of with me and the cats. I know you like it, and I know that she likes you, and it warms my heart that we get complimented on how good you are, how happy, and how big an eater. I miss you just the same. on your first day of daycare I came home and I cried for a little while. it felt like my arms were too light, were missing the twenty pounds they usually lugged around. I wandered around the house not knowing quite what to do with myself, and wondering if you missed me.

luckily, there were only two days of that. I started work on your third day of daycare and life started to fit together much better. now we are working on the routine, such as it is, of me only seeing you for an hour in the morning, then spending the day without you, and then spending the evening at work while daddy puts you to bed. shout-out to daddy, by the way. some day I know you're going to be an excellent partner, and maybe an excellent father, because of the example you have in your life. not every kid has a dad who is as good as the mom in everything but organization (and I know he'd laugh and agree with that, or else I wouldn't put it). for him to spend seven evenings in a row as a single father is not easy on him or on the family, but he's doing it and well.

as for me getting so little baby time with you... that's not easy. I woke up early yesterday morning with you in spite of a severe head cold, and in spite of staying up late every evening, and I hope to continue to do so partly because daddy needs help getting you out the door in the morning, but mostly because I need your smiles, and your babble, to get me through eight hours of pre-operative phone calls to patients who just want to fight with me because I've apparently seen their medications before, why do they have to bring them again?

I digress. this phase of my shift-working life will hopefully not last forever, baby. we'll get through it as a team. for your part, you enjoy daycare and you fit well into a routine now where you nap at the same time every day, and eat at the same time every day, and the same toddler points at you and says "nooooooooo" several times every day. this has been a month full of fun, what with starting daycare and with driving all the way to regina where we threw out your schedule for a few days so you could see auntie kaylin and uncle jared get married. and you have rolled with it all fabulously. I used to call you "angry baby," now I'm afraid I can only call you "amazing baby."

as far as milestones go: two teeth still. STILL. crawling and cruising and sometimes standing independently but only when you don't know you're doing it. babbling in many consonants but no real words or utterances yet, unless it counts that when I say "uh oh" you usually say "unguh" back. still clapping hands and shaking rattles on command, and now you can wave "bye bye" as well. when someone is holding you and you get excited, you often slap them in the face. we're going to work on that, by the way.

you eat more than the makers of the baby bullet could have predicted. after this batch is used up, I'll probably be done with making and freezing food, even though I'm not sure where we'll go from there. you're probably too young for pizza pops. I'll think about it and get back to you.

after sitting at roughly 20 pounds for some time, today we weighed you and were surprised to learned that you're now 22 pounds 8 ounces. a growth spurt? even more surprising is that I stood beside you while you tried to break in to the garbage this morning and realized that you come up to my hips. where did my little boy go?

promise me you won't learn to walk at daycare, baby. even better would be if you promised to do it when I was with you. promise to save me at least a few cuddles now that they're not all mine by default. I promise to be thinking about you nearly constantly, and continuing to love you like crazy.

love mom

oh my that's a lot of photos

2011-09-20T10:46:00.012-05:00

car ride goes like this! thank goodness.

watching a little tv.

reading a little book.

taking a little nap.

cousins! adam and hannah have enough toys in common, adam was probably wondering how his walker got there.

hey pretty lady.

a little 5 pm wagon ride just to keep everyone from losing it. adam loves wheels, hannah loves resting her weary head.

this has nothing to do with anything, I just hate this license plate.

my parents' camry was THE vehicle for transporting children this weekend.

friday night bbq at janell's house (sister of the groom). we didn't have the location or the justice of the peace so we rehearsed walking down the aisle in the middle of the street, making sure to take the hockey nets to the side whenever a car came.

doug was looking a little bored so I mentioned the guys inside who'd dug out their guitars, and poof he was gone.

then the karaoke started. I believe jared is singing "la bamba" right now.

rub a dub dub, kids! staying out late at bbq's equals no bath before bed, equals FINALLY getting these kids in the tub together on the morning of the wedding.

the butcher.

the baker.

the candlestick maker.

let me out of here, too many girls.

this is what adam giving hannah kisses looks like. it's a little rough, but it's better than when he basically slaps her. "gentle" is a word we're working on.

hair in rollers, oooo.

my son doesn't think he's too old or big or mobile for some time in the jumperoo.

the pregnant bridesmaid who barely looks pregnant.

this is what it looks like when you scratch your eye and then put an intense amount of make-up on.

candace is a professional bridesmaid, I spent most of the day feeling useless next to her.

beautiful.

and ruggedly handsome! smarter people than us would have gotten dressed much, much earlier. right around this time everyone was losing their minds because we were late and there were gowns to lace up and babies to dress.

ha!

at the regina legislative building for pictures.

have I mentioned what a good dad doug is?

jammed two whole families into an elevator just to see what would happen.

my hearts.

the good looking family.

hannah sometimes looks at adam, sees this baby who forms a perfect little chair for her as he crawls around, and then decides to have a seat.

there are very few pictures of me on my own camera, understandably. and in the only one of me and my son, he isn't interested in turning around. when I came home from the salon he took a minute to recognize me.

my pictures end here. photos were a gong show, and I finally gave up on being the first bridesmaid in the history of bridesmaids who managed to take some pictures. I'm stealing from others as they post on facebook and will post some of those tomorrow.

car ride home goes like this.

and this.

and this. phew.

adam slept in again this morning. how nice that he stopped waking up early just as we started counting on him to wake up so we could get him to daycare on time. I think he's still not over the wild and crazy adventure of a weekend that we just had.

toast to the bride

2011-09-19T19:00:00.001-05:00

good evening everybody. for those of you who don't know me, I'm kaylin's older sister, I'm happy to take credit for the ringbearer you saw earlier. for those of you who do know me... don't worry, I promised I'd be good.

kaylin and I obviously thought they were old fashioned when they said that you get married BEFORE you have children, but today we figured out why that's how it's done. on a personal note, today was difficult and a lot of people helped look after the kids, and none of them were me, so thank you.

I have known kaylin since she was one day old, and I was less than two.

less than two years' age difference is not a lot. it means that though we moved a lot growing up, I always had someone to talk to. less than two years means that sometimes kaylin dated boys my age, and sometimes I had to sit through math listening to them talk about how cute she was. less than two years means that we were able to share clothing for most of our lives, and even though she showed great restraint, and used please and thank you, I have to admit that for a long time I thought I had two closets.

less than two years means that we were able to live together for one disastrous year in college, and we don't talk about those dark dark times.

I have known kaylin all her life, and I have been compiling material for this speech for almost as long. kaylin is the sort of person who creates stories and inside jokes wherever she goes. I can't even tell you the number of times someone has said to her, all her life, "just wait and see, some day this will come up at your wedding."

but... I promised I'd be good...

so, I mentioned moving a few times across the province growing up - from the south to the north to the interlake to the pembina valley and a few times even after that. and kaylin has made friends, as she goes, that have stayed with her through the years - they're not just long-term friends, they're long-distance friends, and you are looking at the best of manitoba seated up here tonight.

kaylin met candace in fisher branch when they were 11, barb in morden when they were 14, and amanda in brandon when they were about 20. so five years is the shortest relationship at this table tonight but amanda has an interesting twist because she is the daughter of karen, who has known my mother since they were about 12. now I promised I'd be good, so I'm not going to tell you how many years that is. I had the privilege of sharing a hotel room with karen and traci about three weeks ago, and I can tell you that they've still got a bit of the giggling school girl in them. in fact between the amount of fun my mom had at the bachelorette party and the amount of fun my dad apparently had last night, you can see where kaylin gets her sense of fun. once upon a time, karen was traci's bridesmaid, theirs is a friendship that spans many years and phases of their lives, and SOME DAY when they slow down a little, kaylin and amanda, or for that matter kaylin and barb, and kaylin and candace, will be doing the same things karen and traci do today - when they're not "chaperoning" bachelorette parties it's a lot of comparing beauty tips and grandchildren. I have no doubt kaylin's friendships will persist that long.

I want to come to MY relationship with kaylin now, and of course I've known her the longest, that's default really. but there's no rule anywhere that says you have to put your sister in the bridal party so I'm very honoured to be here, even if it might just be because I could have blackmailed her.

while I was trying to write this speech I got to thinking about the nature of our relationship and how much we've grown. we've come a very long way from playing make believe together, when I used to get furious because no matter what we played - house or school or hospital or whatever - she always wanted to be a puppy. we've come even further from our teen years, when I stole all her clothing. we've come furthest of all from the disastrous year we lived together in college, when the fights shook the apartment complex.

when you think about what it means to call someone your best friend... well, we talk every single day. we share our joys and our victories and our sob stories. we share pictures of our kids until my phone won't hold any more. we know things about each other, particularly having been pregnant at the same time, that NOBODY knows. I'm lucky as a mother that kaylin had brielle, and I got the chance to be an auntie and get my feet wet before taking the parenting plunge. I'm even luckier that kaylin had hannah only two weeks before I had adam, and I've been able to mimic whatever they do and somehow look like I know what I'm doing. there were days, there are STILL days, where I'm convinced that if it weren't for kaylin I'd have no idea how a baby worked.

it's easy, as siblings, to take each other for granted and I know I've been guilty of it. but kaylin you should know that, though I wouldn't have called it ten years ago, and I'll go back to being sarcastic about it tomorrow, you are my best friend. I hope some day your daughters find as much love and friendship in each other as I have found in you.

(I started to lose it a little here).

incidentally, I have written "don't cry" in the margins in at least three places on this speech.

and as for the fine gentleman seated to your left, jared you should know that even though kaylin's great, secretly I always wanted a brother. especially one who can single-handedly drive a karaoke party. it's easy to give her over to your arms today because we know that you love her as much as we do. it's not hard to do, she's fantastic.

kaylin, you are beautiful today. you're beautiful every day. you will be a good wife, because you have been a good girlfriend, a good mother, a good sister and a good friend.

I would like to invite everybody now to please raise their glasses in a toast to the bride.

a weekend in facebook status updates

2011-09-19T09:23:00.011-05:00

six hours and change! we were ready with bottles, and an ipad full of the backyardigans, and a giant bag of toys, and lots of snacks.

as with all things adam-related, I prefer to be ready for the worst and then pleasantly surprised when he's awesome. and he was awesome. nice car naps, lots of good natured driving, and no freak-outs.

when it comes to the backyardigans, adam only really likes the opening and closing credits with the catchy song. the rest of the episode is more or less ignored.

but mom sure watches the backyardigans. it's actually a pretty good kid's show, even if an eleven-month-old won't get much out of it.

POPCORN TWISTS SAVED THE WHOLE DAMN WEEKEND. when in doubt, give the baby an exercise in chewing.

rhetorical question. I'd be more surprised if he didn't.

as always, I don't actually know if he's teething. he continues to have only two teeth. "teething" can be taken here to mean "maybe teething, but maybe just off schedule, maybe kinda hungry or constipated or something, but I have no idea because he still doesn't speak english."

right after that status update, adam went into the playpen. for the longest nap of his short life. and we let it happen because A) we've got things to do later that he might want to be well rested for and B) the schedule was thrown out the window the minute we took him on a six-hour car ride. he was incredible at napping and incredible at being held by strangers and incredible at staying up way past bedtime this weekend.

spontaneity may or may not be all that spontaneous. apparently this is known to happen with jared's family. which would explain how he found the energy to sing nearly every other song. even my dad got up there for a song, his first ever karaoke tune.

at a particular point in the evening my mother told him to go back to the hotel and go to bed. you have a big day tomorrow, she said. but she wasn't there to tuck him in, she was at the condo with kaylin and I, so rumor has it my dad and two bridesmaids ran off and shut down the hotel bar. rumor has it they made a pact not to tell anyone, too.

at some point on friday afternoon, while making bouquets, I bent down over a bin full of flowers and poked myself in the eye with some plastic. it stung. it wasn't corneal, it was scleral, which makes a big difference when you want to be able to see things. but it stung, all the same. then I spent friday evening around a bbq with the bbq smoke, and some cigarette smoke, and even though I left early I was still up later than my usual 9 pm. I woke up saturday morning with a puffy red eye that had been weeping all night long and I made everyone just a little worried. luckily jared's the kind of guy who keeps visine around.

hey you know what's really good for a scratch on your eyeball? poking your closed eye with lots of make-up brushes and then using a really harsh glue to attach false eyelashes. the absolute worst my eye looked might have been right after the make-up was done. it did get better, and I'm relatively sure no one noticed at the wedding. I hope.

you put it on a little heavy for the photographs, she said. wow. I've always been a little low-key, I suppose, and it's only gotten more low-key since adam came along, but all the same I don't think your face is supposed to crack when you smile. in the car on the way back to the condo kaylin and I were wiping our faces JUST to get the excess off, and laughing at this classic simpsons bit (which evidently someone recorded in a way designed to infuriate guys like doug).

these statuses make saturday look like fun and games, and it was, really. but HOLY SHIT DID WE NEED THAT LIMO RIDE. saturday started at 6:45 for all three kids, continued with getting things ready, getting kids bathed, running to superstore for snacks for the bridal party, running to the salon, and then running home to get everyone and everything dressed, including a baby boy who was NOT impressed with his three-piece suit, let me tell you. we were late for photos. candace, a veteran bride and bridesmaid, said that photographs are the most stressful part of the wedding day, and I believe her. especially when you're trying to get some specific shots taken and a very important flower girl is 200 feet away being photographed by all the rest of the people you were hoping to get into the shot. add to that the fact that all the women picked the kind of shoe you usually only see in a torture chamber and then walked around two parks in them. I bought fast flats for dancing in and I switched to them the INSTANT the ceremony was over. kaylin put hers on before she even walked down the aisle. the limo ride seemed lavish before we got inside but an hour devoted just to sitting, drinking, and driving around regina was exactly what we needed.

not photographed or mentioned at this time are my parents, who are in their hotel room trying to keep three kids happy. brielle missed her afternoon nap and crashed on the hotel bed until they had to wake her up. adam and hannah were stripped down to diapers and permitted to eat popcorn twists and strawberries until their lives were good again.

also not photographed or mentioned at this time is doug, locked out of my sister's condo where his entire p.a. system is waiting to be taken to the wedding site. he sat for a few minutes, thinking someone with keys was on the way, and then he checked and found the back door open. he loaded up his stuff, drove downtown just as the rider nation was being let out of the game, and got his stuff set up as people were filing into the events hall. he apologizes to anyone who tried to engage him in conversation during that time. then he had to move his illegally parked car and get back so he could start the music and we could all get married. and he kept his cool through all of this.

so many things NEARLY went wrong this weekend, and nothing truly DID, which is just the way weddings go I suppose. somehow it all comes together and the guests don't see how much you're sweating.

not photographed or mentioned is how awesome the ceremony was. beautiful bride, handsome groom, and three wonderful kids who only stole the show in adorable ways, not in screamy ones.

not photographed or mentioned is that MY DAD GOT HIT BY A CAR. WHILE TRYING TO PUT BABIES INTO THE BACK OF HIS OWN CAR. WHICH WAS NOT VERY COOL AT ALL. fortunately I'm able to write about it in a ha-ha-everyone's-okay kind of way, and not in a that-really-ended-the-party-right-there kind of way. the driver clipped him on the back of the elbow with his mirror, and luckily that was it, and luckily my dad was no longer holding an infant. he now has a nice bruise and no long-term damage.

jared, you know that you've been my brother for a long time now. nothing changes with this except kaylin's last name. I am so happy that you two have each other. congratulations.

and that's my ONLY typo! considering what most of my drunk texts/status updates start looking like, I'm pretty proud of this.

anyone who knows me, or has ever seen me dance, knows that this is a total LIE.

false eyelashes came off somewhere between brandon and winnipeg because I absolutely was not going to go to work on monday looking like that. my eyelids are going to get over it.

not mentioned or photographed is adam napping for two solid hours in the car, enjoying some fruit and fries and pickles at smittys in brandon, and then watching the backyardigans all the rest of the way home. his good-boy ways continue to make me so, SO proud of him.

arrival in winnipeg at about 6:45 p.m. just in time to basically let adam say hi to the cats, take a bath, and hit the crib. he sat up telling his crib bears all about his weekend for a little while and then he fell asleep and slept in until 7:15 this morning. atta boy.

more posts including pictures and the toast to the bride will be forthcoming.

hair

2011-09-08T20:21:00.003-05:00

consider this to be thinking out loud. trying to piece together the hair I want for kaylin's wedding. it won't be that hair, certainly. and yet...

I'm not a big fan of the 'do in which every curl is carefully delineated. I like a little mess to my bridesmaid hair. I want to be the one who looks like she has secrets up there.

this is distracting me from much more important business, believe me. but if the stagette last weekend taught me nothing else, at least I now know how far off the "standard beauty regime" wagon I have fallen. kaylin's friends know how to look PRETTY. I thought I was aces for wearing a clean shirt...

by the way I have seen kaylin's trial hairdo, and it is fantastic.

happy birthday andree

2011-09-02T13:17:00.002-05:00

dear lady who loves and sometimes looks after my baby:

"auntie" is not a word to be thrown around lightly, lady. in your case it is a hard-earned, to be shouted about, title for the world to know. you are much, much more than just the first non-related person to babysit adam, and more than his playmate and the most likely bathtime attendee after his parents. you are a sob sister and a cheerleader for our family, you have kept us from killing each other and helped us to laugh when parenting becomes all lemons, no lemonade. you've been as enthusiastic about adam's baby milestones as any true-blood relative (maybe even more than some). "auntie" is a name you have earned and we are so lucky to have you in our lives, and in our son's.

family is more than just the people you're related to, it's the people you go out of your way to bring into your life and keep there. we consider you a part of adam's family, and on your birthday I hope you know how very, very loved and appreciated you are.

now go have some drinks and a cheeseburger.

test test

2011-08-30T10:37:00.001-05:00

sometimes I wear these around the house and I brandish a rolling pin

2011-08-26T21:56:00.003-05:00

once upon a time, I was the biggest girl that ever girled. I'm in brandon for the weekend and I already miss my son and felt really bad when I said goodbye to him (for his part, he sat in the highchair eating strawberries and gave me a look like, what's your problem, why you crying?). motherhood for me has meant ten consecutive months of more or less shitty hair days. and a resurgence of acne WORSE than what I had as a teenager, what the eff? my appearance has taken more than a back seat, it's not even in the vehicle, and I leave the house without even making sure there's no food on my shirt because I'm too busy making sure I have diapers, a sippy cup, a soft toy and a plastic toy with lots of moving parts, oh and don't forget the baby.

but this is a stagette weekend. it's not about babies, although there are babies around here somewhere. it's about girl and girl and more girl. rollers in my hair and eye makeup set to "whore."

off I go, folks.

of note, this hotel room with my mom and my sister features all the shoes and outfits and purses and cosmetics you could possibly imagine. what you probably weren't imagining was all the swearing. we are a salty lot.

all night long

2011-08-26T09:37:00.003-05:00

adam does this ALL THE TIME. his day is one big scat fest.

doug found me a place called The Kid Should See This and I am in heaven, most of these videos are things anyone and everyone should see. the world is amazing, adam. you're going to know it.

adam is 10 months old today

2011-08-22T07:58:00.001-05:00

dear baby WITH TWO BIG TEETH!

oh my goodness that was a long time coming. congratulations on that delightful *tink* sound your mouth makes when you try and eat toys now, baby.

and those toys? they're everywhere. at the end of every day I walk around the house picking up toys on every floor, and then picking up things that were never meant to be toys (books, junk mail, mom's sewing, cooking utensils, I could go on...), and then I wash a bunch of dishes and do a bunch of laundry. it's like a party happened, baby. once upon a time your mother was some kind of a cool person, and her friends were the sort of people to leave empties behind her couch and candy stuffed between her couch cushions (the best advice I could ever give you is to never have a party mixing alcohol and pinatas). and maybe the party-throwing days are gone forever (unless your dad has something to say about it) but I get to relive the clean-up process every single day with you.

crawling is now the most natural thing you've ever done, so easy that you're moving on to bigger and better things like pulling yourself up on every available surface, cruising just a little bit, and walking if we hold your hands and sort of guide you along. that part's difficult, baby. you walk like you're drunk. and on a boat. and there's something sticky on your feet. we'll keep practicing and see what next month brings. change comes so fast and furious with you now that I don't even feel like I can predict you anymore.

every time I see boys, baby, I look at them and think of you at their respective ages. I see five-year-olds and I wonder if you'll be really into bugs, and I hope you like reading. I see a gawky teenager and I wonder how old you'll be when you become taller than me, and I hope your acne isn't too debilitating. I have a scary sense of how time gets away from me with you. you rarely fall asleep in my arms anymore, so now when you do I feel the urge to cuddle for half an hour just so I can stare at you.

in exactly three weeks you're going to start at daycare, and in exactly three weeks and two days I'm going to go back to work. maternity leave, and early parenthood in general, is the hardest thing I have ever done, baby. even the happiest days of your ten-month-long life are still very very draining, and I think that even if homemaking was an option for me, I'd still want to go back to work (work is a holiday next to child-rearing). but the thought of someone else getting all your smiles and getting to see the next big "first" you achieve makes me very, very sad. and the nature of my job and my hours means that for five days in a row I'll see you first thing in the morning, and then you'll go to daycare and I'll start work in the afternoon, get home around midnight, and not see you again until the next morning just before you go to daycare. my heart is breaking over this. I know you'll love daycare. I know your dad will take awesome care of you in the evening. I just can't seem to convince myself that you'll remember and like me on my days off.

as your first year of life winds down, baby, I promise to do my best to make an impression on you.

love mom

he's been saying "dada" for months. MONTHS!

2011-08-10T15:26:00.001-05:00

ladies and gentlemen, my son can say "mama."

I cried. it doesn't matter that he doesn't know what it means. my chest hurts I love him so much.

video proof of his awesomeness will be coming soon.

lake, ho

2011-08-04T19:12:00.006-05:00

lake bound. on the way back we discovered an awesome trick called "put the bag of toys beside him in the back seat." on the way there, I still had to climb in the back seat and surrender my national geographic.

lake time! so many people to see you, sir. this weekend brought to you by uncle doug's fiftieth birthday, and the makers of uncle doug, guy and grandpa, who celebrated 60 years of marriage.

the next door neighbors have a beach and if you can zoom in, you can tell that adam is ECSTATIC about swimming.

slightly less ecstatic about standing in the sand in the water.

and why does this sand taste so terrible?

uncle doug loves babies.

uncle patrick loves an even tan.

I would not have expected teenage boys who thought a nine-month-old was awesome. actually, I would have expected far less in terms of attitude and helpfulness from teenage boys, and not been surprised or bothered. these guys are totally awesome and I can only hope adam is something like his cousins some day.

also they gave him ipods. guys, WE don't even do that.

I'd like to call this one "parenthood." someone has to sit nearby and make sure the baby doesn't try to kill himself.

consider the cottage EXPLORED. you got secrets? he's already drooled on 'em.

again, AWESOME. the shirtless o'clock crowd.

I wish I could say that was the first time we ever let adam suck on a beer bottle.

yeah, sometimes he does that with the regular bottles, too. when he's really in the zone with a bottle and half asleep and oh man it tastes so good he needs to get his feet in on the action, I am so embarrassed that an empty (I swear) beer bottle transported him to the same happy place.

vacations are tough.

nature walk on the trails nearby.

doug said "so this is what being pregnant is like!" I guess he's right, though the fetus never reaches for tree branches and rarely freaks out when you trip over a stump. for his part, adam reacts to the infant carrier like, yes, jeez, you were supposed to be carting me everywhere like this all along.

we found the local make-out spot.

neeeeeeeeeeeerd.

adam's new favorite game is "take the glasses off the face." this is why I'm not wearing my glasses very much, I don't know whether to wait it out and see if he gets bored with this game, or start saying "noooo" like we have for other bad habits. I'm enjoying moving into this phase where I sometimes know why he's crying - it's because we said no and took him away from the electrical outlet. oh the power we wield!

baby food making begins again, maybe for the last time? not sure. last night I made salmon with orange sauce, this morning some pears, and tonight zucchini gratin. I just looked up "gratin" (I'm not much of a cook). that's what the recipe is called but it's definitely nothing like that, it's mashed potatos, zucchini, and cheese/butter/milk. no browned crust whatsoever.

as a rule these days, adam eats fruit for breakfast every day, along with oatmeal or yogurt. I make all the fruit. he eats something homemade and veggie based for lunch along with either salmon or, more often, jarred baby food with meat in it. I made him chicken once, he didn't like it, and I don't like wasting chicken. for supper he eats cereal because most days bathtime and bedtime closely follow it. I'm giving him a LOT of finger foods and have been for some time now, and I'm doing my best to have strawberries or bananas, (steamed) broccoli or carrots, and breads on hand to throw at him when he's in the high chair, though sometimes it's just a rice rusk.

tonight for supper, doug and I had leftover cheese pizza that was homemade from a kraft kit.

we live at home, quiet, confined, and our feelings prey upon us

2011-07-28T11:59:00.004-05:00

it's been just over nine months since the baby tsunami crashed into my life. I knew what babies were. I knew I was going to have one. I read every book I could get my hands on, I went to prenatal classes, I got the nursery ready...

absolutely nothing you do really prepares you for a baby tsunami. you can batten down the hatches, sound the alarms, get all your favorite stuff strapped down, and still when it hits, and you finally get a chance to stop and look around, you're going to be surprised at the mess you find. life is just not what it was before.

I was prepared for a dramatic reduction in my social life. I partied while I could, all pregnant and sober but still! I attended! towards the end I told myself things like "this might be my last lucky friday" or "when I see him/her again I'll probably have a baby."

after adam arrived, I thought it was the best thing for me to seize every opportunity and see other people. I took my portable, if cranky, baby with me like a giant baby purse, or else I took advantage of every opportunity where doug said "do you need some time away?"

we're going somewhere with this. hang in there.

today's thursday. on tuesday night I went to harry potter (where alan rickman struck me as decidedly NOT built for 3D). on wednesday night I went to steve martin and the steep canyon rangers (thank you alex). this morning I was exhausted. when doug said he had to go to work I was WHINEY. why did he have to go? I'm alone all day long with someone who doesn't yet speak english and wants to throw himself down the stairs for no good reason, doesn't he understand?

I've only just come to realize this pretty recently but in the last few months where I've been struggling to hang onto that little bit of social life I once had, I've really just forgotten about the type of person I am.

the basic definition of an introvert is someone who needs time alone to "recharge" and finds themselves drained after spending time with other people. easy enough for me to remember that I'm one of those. my favorite hobbies are being alone reading, being alone on the computer, being alone watching movies, and being alone in the bathtub. oh, and being alone.

as part and parcel with the baby tsunami, the last year and a half or so has featured fun changes like: moving out of my parents' basement (alone!) and in with doug, who does not like being alone much at all; having a baby, who might have an opinion about how alone he likes to be but can't yet express it and anyway, he can't be alone because MAN this house has a lot of stairs; and going on leave from work to look after my little daredevil, where "work" actually used to mean "a lot of working alone." I had never factored into my personal definition of an introvert the idea that "other people" included my family. why would it? when I was the resident troll under the stairs at scott and traci's, they didn't bother me at all, when I wanted to see them I just came up to the main floor (the sun hurt my eyes) and demanded some attention.

I have a new family now, and they're pretty keen, but they also need me an awful lot of the time. the baby needs me for obvious reasons, but doug is an extrovert, to put it mildly. his favorite way to relax and feel happy is with friends, chatting. now that he has to stay home a lot more we have to look for that special place where we're both happy with our level of interaction with each other, because I seem to be satisfied with much much less. this was very hard for him to understand for a while, what was wrong with his company? and for my part, I didn't understand why I had to entertain him. we're getting better at this, I swear.

but I bet it's been hard for other people too, and that's why I'm writing this. last week I had to sort of assert myself/explain myself to someone who saw that I declined friendly invitations and wanted to know, what was my problem, man?

this is my problem (and no one else's, you're all wonderful): I find social events very draining. unless I'm going into it more or less relaxed already, it can be difficult to sit back and watch a party, a family get-together, or a simple lunch date unfold. it can be nearly impossible to actually participate. not so long ago I could grit my teeth and get through even the most exhausting party because I knew that sooner or later I would get some solitude and recharge. now, I don't actually know when I'll next be able to sit quietly, drink coffee, and think.

I am a mother, and a spouse, and some sort of "homeowner" with "responsibilities" (makes your parents' basement look like shangri-la, I can tell you) and I have demands on my time that are honorable and wonderful (every poopy minute, adam, I swear it). I would not change my life for the world... but at the end of the day I'm tired and amazed at all the stuff that still needs doing. I am accountable to other people who I love and who love me, and that means that when we head out for the day my batteries are inevitably only half charged at best.

so I'm just making others aware, I'm probably going to be keeping a low profile for a while. when the demands of my home life subside for the day, I'm going to value reading a book over going out for a drink. I might sneak away sometimes from the commitments that I do have. it's not something you said, and I'm not a massive bitch, I just really want to finish that chapter and chew my thoughts.

because my body's too bootylicious for that dress

2011-07-24T20:33:00.002-05:00

breast reduction

+ having a baby

= 34E

= total waste of stitches.

bra shopping is my least favorite activity but on the plus side, I purchased all the necessary undergarments to hold me together at my sister's wedding in september. hello spanx.

stealing toys and eating books builds character

2011-07-22T22:12:00.000-05:00

brielle is sitting on as many of the little people toys as she possibly can so that adam will stop stealing them from her.

you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to keep my kid out of your shit, brie.

I enjoy having brie over, it's like a taste of what my house is going to be like as adam gets older. in the course of a two-hour visit she literally FESTOONS the house with toys, and we find them for a long time afterwards. once upon a time while house hunting, doug said "aren't we going to have at least one grown up room in the house?" a room without toys in it, without a kid's presence. like a formal living room.

I guess we have one room. it has some computers, a drain in the floor, and the cat food and cat litter. it's adults only if you want in, but if no one's done the litter it can be a pretty smelly place to check your email.

anyway, back to the babies. this coffee table is paying for itself in entertainment value, I can tell you. it's the best place for watching curious george.

and doing some light reading! my kid has taste.

damn it.

the baby proofing around here need not be anything fancy, so long as nobody with a bad hip or back pays a visit. good luck getting upstairs to the bathroom, folks.

adam is 9 months old today

2011-07-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

dear baby with the beautiful blue eyes:

baby, the thing to say about you today is that you have now been outside my belly for as long as you were in it. except we both know that's not true. you took an awfully long time to get here and BELIEVE ME I REMEMBER.

water under the bridge, baby. we're here to celebrate this day, not bemoan my prolonged pregnancy and difficult labor. nine months of your life have already passed you by. three quarters of a year! and look at all you've done.

you're crawling now, baby. you're crawling well. in fact, just let us try and stop you. you're also climbing stairs, for no good reason I can discern other than the fact that they're there. today a chair became more or less the permanent fixture in front of the top staircase, and tomorrow I have plans to push a chest in front of the basement stairs, and we'll just hope this only infuriates you a little bit. ghetto baby proofing for the win, seeing as pool noodles and duct tape is what keeps you from opening your scalp on the fireplace. if I could just find a way to keep you away from the xbox I'd consider my work done for the time being. open entertainment centres, what kind of nonsense is that?

you're (STILL) toothless. when we're out in public and a stranger sees you fussing, drooling, or biting down on your toys as fiercely as you can, they inevitably say something like "oh is he teething?" and I inevitably say "yes" because that goes down a lot more politely than "how the heck should I know, I don't know anything about babies. mind your own business." but who can blame them, it's your job to teeth. in fact I can't count the number of times I've thought you might be getting teeth and yet, none appeared. I now prefer to err on the side of caution and just say it'll never happen. for you, baby, it's a sisyphean task. you are forever teething but you will never get teeth. so far, I've been right.

that said, your gums looked a little different this morning, but I'm still not getting my hopes up.

you are fast outgrowing my ability to entertain you. the day is punctuated by a walk to the park nearby, then a visit to the baby pool in the back yard, then a stop at any of the three floors in the house where baby toys are kept and you can hopefully play happily for a little while. I personally think daycare is going to be SO good for you baby, and the search has begun so that hopefully, when I go back to work, you have an awesome place to go spend the day and play with other kids. because mommy is getting tired. I haven't spent a lot of time with playgroups because you're not one to commit to being awake and happy for them, but sometimes I regret that, because man how many times a week can we go to the grocery store just for something to do?

no matter, we get by. you're a big fan of books (you turn the pages yourself on your favorite book) and you're a big fan of balls (everything from the dog's orange ball to the giant rubber blue ball from canadian tire to the dirty one we found at the park today) and you're a really really REALLY big fan of your teddy bear and most other soft fluffy things. when you're tired you turn teddy bear around until you find the tag, hold on, and suck your thumb. adorable, baby. and useful too, because teddy bear goes in the crib with you so that we can put you down awake. you'll talk to him for a little while (it sounds like a wartime speech to us, outside your room) and then you'll drift off, I assume sucking your thumb and holding your bear. now that I know you're basically partying in the crib by yourself, I constantly wish we had gone for a video monitor. I wonder what you do in there.

we get complimented on you a lot, baby. everything from how sweet you are to those beautiful blue eyes (see above) to your attractiveness in general. I know, I know, it's not hard to be a cute baby. I don't personally know any ugly ones. but that doesn't stop it from going right to our heads. in fact your dad and I sit and compliment each other from time to time on making such an incredible kid.

now don't let it go to YOUR head.

love mom

right on schedule

2011-07-21T20:41:00.000-05:00

I received a few pictures after the family reunion of 2011 where kristyn forgot her camera (title subject to change).

then I forgot.

then I was reminded.

then I posted! huzzah!

my second cousins. the great grandkids are many and would like to convey you from one end of the hall to the other please.

the hallway in front of the elevator. my family was THAT family. we commandeered the fifth floor at the canad inns brandon so that a very competitive crib tournament could go down, followed by family jeopardy, followed by easter egg tossing, followed by violin solos. we weren't the only people staying on that floor but for some reason all the others stayed scarce...

card shark? is that a thing that's applicable with crib? I'm pretty sure she won.

nana's favorite kids.

melody it is NOT FAIR that you're the only great grandkid who gets her own picture today but it is also NOT FAIR that you are so cute. get out of here.

oh pretty baby

2011-07-20T20:47:00.001-05:00

yesterday morning two lovely nieces came over to my house, and then we all walked to the hair do zoo in order to become even lovelier.

you've met my niece, the niece formerly known as macgyver. hannah was born with so much hair it's a crime to bald babies everywhere. a LOT of hair got cut off the back of this baby's neck yesterday.

brielle looks like she could be a pageant baby, but the reality is that for every one in-focus picture I get of brielle there are ten out-of-focus or she's-no-longer-even-in-the-shot pictures. kid is on the move. the five minutes of stillness required for a haircut were a tricky thing to accomplish, I can tell you.

not photographed: adam. he's not due for a haircut just yet so he played on the floor and mauled hannah.

then everybody came back home again where we played with adam's toys and then went for a dip in the baby pool.

not related to anything, I just wanted to show you the only safe place david bowie feels that adam won't come and harass him. have I mentioned my kid can climb stairs now?

beach baby

2011-07-19T20:41:00.009-05:00

got a lot of harassment (from brendan) and then some more harassment (from brendan) and then today even more harassment (from brendan) about putting up photographs from beach day.

rest assured he was cute, and too busy watching the guys around us play football to care that we were melting in the sun.

when you put him in water he instinctively frog kicks, be it bathtub or kiddie pool or giant sandy lake. kid was born to swim.

wearing my hat because he wouldn't tolerate his own. once upon a time going to the beach would have rated only a 4/10 on the stressful level for me, and most of that stress would have concerned what I looked like in a swimsuit. those were the good old days. now it's making sure I have enough diapers, sunscreen, toys, snacks, changes of clothes, and maybe don't forget his dad, and all in all it's too much for me. outings is tough now. as it was we were nearly the first to arrive (alex is an eager beaver) and absolutely the first to leave. all that work and my kid can only handle being awake for about 2.5 hours and he will not sleep in a crowd.

I like to position my friends by colour, palest to darkest. couldn't photograph jake because he's just a big white flash of light on my camera.

HOW ARE YOU DRINKING COFFEE?

beach day was followed by more fun at grandpa and grandma's. these kiddos went camping but if just a trip to the beach can make my blood pressure rise I don't want to think about the stress that comes from camping with a baby. I often worry that I get so caught up thinking logistics, I forget to just sit back and enjoy him. then I remind myself that I enjoy him best when he's happy, and a campground where the power went out and the air conditioning stopped working on saturday afternoon would not have made him very happy at all...

sippy cup with a straw = love.

would really like to get drunk in this pool. arrrrr.

wedgie! the theme of all my photos this week is probably going to be "adam naps more than the girls." many opportunities to photograph them and only them while my baby continues to sleep like a newborn. I live it up, auntie-style.

you're not going to keep her from eating grass, you might as well help her find the tastier bits.

oh there he is! up just in time for a quick dip with the ladies before we take him home in time for his ridiculously early bedtime.

I think we're spotting something sturdy now that he's sleeping through the night. I think we can almost maybe kinda sorta hopefully dare to rely on him sleeping from 6:30 to 6:30, give or take. with that in mind, I'm thinking about trying to make it 6:45 to 6:45, and then maybe 7 to 7. who knows, I dream big.

behbehs

2011-07-17T10:27:00.002-05:00

my kid: always naked.

I'm not ready for this, hannah. you're scaring me.

adam likes air conditioning. a lot.

han solo frozen in carbonite car nap.

no pictures of brielle that aren't basically a blur.

we're going to the beach now!

perspective is everything

2011-07-14T16:45:00.002-05:00

I asked around facebook what other babies are doing sleep-wise these days, and man am I seeing things differently.

my son goes to bed somewhere between 6:00 and 7:00 every night. he just recently started sleeping through the night (meaning when he wakes up and whimpers we no longer get out of bed and he soothes himself, it's going well actually) and he wakes up somewhere between 5:00 and 6:30.

then he takes three naps a day.

and I am SOOOOOOO lucky.

sleep on, little man.

bound to happen

2011-07-11T20:34:00.003-05:00

my car wouldn't start at superstore today.

doug boosted it. and adam and I sat on a bench and drooled on my car keys for a little while waiting. no big deal.

my dad (who is my mechanic) is not sure what happened. but enough things are concurrently wrong with it that it apparently shouldn't go highway speed ever again ever and I should sincerely start thinking about a new vehicle.

doug's the guy, I say. okay, time to start car shopping. he's working on it.

only, right now is the golden age of mat leave pay and no daycare costs. come this fall, I'm going to be significantly poorer.

which led to a new worry, while going over my budget. what kind of costs am I going to be encountering come september when the little man heads off into the care of some kind stranger? I looked around on kijiji to see what the average joe was charging and suddenly the glass of wine I had with dinner needed to be more like five glasses and a shot of tequila.

now I'm struggling to get rid of my gym membership and regretting all the frivolous purchases I've ever made EVER.

and NOW I'm going to take a bath. it's all I can do.

oh it was gross.

2011-07-04T13:12:00.002-05:00

yesterday was hot, and we went and did some swimming in grandma and grandpa's pool. we stayed until it was *thisclose* to bedtime and then headed home for the traditional bath-bottle-bed routine that ends every single day of this kid's life.

doug stayed behind with some friends, and when I got home with adam I thought, hey, my swimsuit is still on, let's take a bath together. I don't really mention the swimsuit to cast judgment on those parents who hang out with their kids naked. adam has had to see me go to the bathroom or change my clothes. I just, personally, feel like the less he sees of my droopy mom butt the better it will be for him in the long run.

so anyway, he endures the horrors of mom in a swimsuit and we have a pleasant bath together, if a little cramped. and just as I'm thinking to myself "yay this is so fun we're splashing whee" he poops in the tub.

HE POOPS IN THE TUB.

it was a shart, really. but when it comes to fecal matter in my bathwater, quantity just isn't an issue. the thing about the bedtime routine (remember? bath-bottle-bed) is that there isn't a lot of interruption between those three. he won't have it. his mood by the end of the day is usually angry enough to register on a geiger counter, so we best not delay the bedtime he so badly wants. alone in the house with him, I then faced the daunting task of getting out of the tub (quickly! ew!) and getting him dried off, pajama'd, fed, and put to bed, all while still wearing a wet swimsuit that had maybe come in contact with poop. then I had to go bleach all his toys and scrub the bathtub.

I feel like there are parenting badges, like girl scout badges, that I'm forever metaphorically pinning to my sash. the first time he smiled at me, the first time he slept through the night, all are now pinned next to the sash that says "first tub poo."

2011-07-03T18:53:00.000-05:00

this costume was a hand me down from friends, and it fits perfectly RIGHT NOW. that's not a thing to be wasted, so here you go, a halloween baby in july.

movin'!

2011-07-02T18:56:00.002-05:00

adam crawled today. he's been dragging himself around a bit, and lurching with both arms and one leg on his belly, but only to get to something relatively close and attainable. today, with lofty ambition, he crawled towards bruce - who was sitting on a table four feet above the ground anyway - for about 30 seconds. then he plopped and was feeling tired and would crawl no more.

I cried a little.

adam is 8 months old today

2011-06-22T05:00:00.000-05:00

dear baby who drives his mother to buy books (oh who are we kidding):

the other day a happy, excited, nervous new mother set out for her local chapters in order to get her first ever pregnancy book. for this woman and her little embryo, the thrill of books about pregnancy and child raising was still quite fresh.

and what she saw when she hit the parenting aisle, baby, was me. sitting on the floor. surrounded by books about babies, sleep, and babies and sleep. oh and you, a few feet away in the stroller, talking loudly. you are so awesome in stores.

the parenting section of any bookstore, baby, is a dangerous dangerous rabbit hole for me. there are books about raising geniuses, raising boys, raising only children, raising basically any sort of child you can imagine. there are books to tell me what I'm doing right, and books to tell me what I'm doing wrong, and books to tell me what no one seems to understand much about at all - like, say, babies and sleep.

in this world, baby, there are many kinds of parent. there are young parents, and old parents, there are "attachment" parents and "cry-it-out" parents, and then there's me: the "too many books about parenting" parent. at any given time, there are more schools of thought and ideas about how to approach you running through my head than there are hairs on your head.

which is why, maybe, it's a good thing that once a month I step back and take a good look at you.

adam you are eight months old today. you almost never fall backwards from sitting up anymore. you are beginning to stand up while holding on to things other than me. you frequently rock forward on to your hands but have no idea what to do with your knees and on the rare occasion that you manage to be on both hands and knees at the same time, it seems to make you angry. you have very much outgrown your jumperoo if the sound of the springs is any indication, but holy crap it continues to be so much fun.

you are eating a lot of food, to put it mildly. I have a feeling that making your baby food myself has ceased to be economical but I still do it partly for fun, partly for the pat on the back I give myself, and partly for the street cred. in addition to things I puree, you eat an awful lot of things you can pick up with your hands, everything from bread to pickles to cheese to steamed veggies to strawberries (oh man do you love strawberries). meal times are incredibly messy and interactive, and your sense of entitlement to a bite of whatever goes into my mouth means I have to save all my junk food binges for when you're not awake.

you are, as my shopping interests might indicate, not sleeping so great. we got back into the bad habit of rocking you right to sleep and you, in turn, got back into the bad habit of waking up at awful hours and demanding some more rocking. as well, you now seem to need exactly two and a half naps a day. two is not enough, three is far too many, and both of those options seem to make you furious. you still go to bed at an hour that seems ridiculous even to me. every book I pick up says that actually 6:30-7:30 is just about right for you, baby, but every other infant of my acquaintance stays up later than that and every other parent I know looks at me and says "he goes to bed WHEN?"

they don't know you like I do, baby. every night at 6:00 and sometimes at 5:00 you turn into some kind of crazy feral cat. it is all we can do in this house, to bathe and diaper and pajama a crazy feral cat before giving that crazy feral cat a bottle and putting him to sleep for the night.

something magical happens while you sleep though, you mean, nutty kitty. every morning when you wake up you are pretty darn ecstatic. your dad is usually the one to do the getting up with you (he's a good dad that way, I'd say) while I lay in bed for a while longer, but you're not the type to respect my sleeping-in inclinations and most mornings what eventually gets me out of bed is the sound of you jumping the shit out of your jumperoo and happily yelling at that crazy, tired looking dad of yours.

I love you more than anything else I know of, baby. as the next month progresses I promise to tackle your naps head on, take you for frequent walks, and let you play with kitchen utensils to your heart's content.

happy eight months, baby.

happy father's day

2011-06-19T10:52:00.002-05:00

happy father's day to the guy who wakes up with adam every single morning at the most unholy hour imaginable.

the guy who understands and doesn't question the fact that when he gets home from work every day, he's got to be prepared to catch a baby.

the guy who adam cuddles and loves and is ecstatic to see after absences of only 15 minutes.

the guy who threw a baby at me as i was writing this so i'm finishing it one-handed and then making a bottle. hey, it's father's day.

lakin'

2011-06-13T20:26:00.004-05:00

doug's parents have a cottage on the lake of the woods and adam took his first trip there this weekend.

every road trip, I am full of anxiety about how he'll do, and every road trip (except that one where he yelled the whole way to brandon) he surprises me.

slept most of the way, briefly lost his shit around clearwater bay, and then enjoyed some oversized sunglasses while mom moved to the back seat.

packing light with a baby means that this really is just a smattering of toys.

you may have noticed that adam is a hero in a half shell. ninja turtle diaper shirt is the most awesome thing he owns.

the lake's too cold for babies but walmart had a ten-dollar solution.

first time in a life-jacket and he appears to be practicing his pirate face.

seriously we are jerks for making him wear this. he's planning the revenge poop of a lifetime.

mom why?!

yelled for two minutes and then slept like a champ the rest of the ride.

see, we can't garden naked at home so this is nice.

first night = rough spots, lots of waking up, lots of sad stressed mommy.

second night = exhausted, delicious, thorough sleep until exactly 5:00 in the morning as per usual. atta boy, but you know you could have slept in. you're on vacation, kid.

next trip will be easier packing since we cluttered the closets out there with baby things that get to stay there. feel awfully sorry for the guest who thinks "gee I'd like to hang up this shirt" and finds himself buried under a playpen, portable high chair, some blankets, some diapers, and a box of toys - some of which do not have an off button.

baby's first flu-like illness

2011-06-09T20:24:00.002-05:00

adam is sick. puking, fever. so sad and so tired and all I can do is sit here and worry while he sleeps it off. he threw up his entire bedtime bottle, so we may be in for a long night when he wakes up hungry.

it is so easy to sit outside of someone else's family, and tell a parent "it's okay, it's okay." it is so hard, with my own little baby, to watch him feeling shitty and be so impotent to fix it. while my brain knows that he will be fine my heart is aching, and my clothes are covered in vomit.

handsome picture of the day

2011-06-08T13:39:00.001-05:00

grandma and grandpa went to paris.

liberate the baby bums

2011-05-31T08:53:00.003-05:00

I love love LOVE Free-Range Kids. I have expressed this love before. I want my son to have parents who trust and empower him, and teach him that caution is one thing, and total fear of any and all strangers is another.

I also love that it gives me stockpile responses for the next time someone questions my loosy-goosy parenting judgment:

Dear Free-Range Kids: I just had my first child 6 months ago and I never thought I’d even have to worry about Free-Range Kid topics until he was at LEAST 3 years old, but I was wrong.

I posted an adorable picture of my son on my facebook page 2 days ago of him having tummy time on a towel; diaper free. Lo and behold, this morning in my message box on Facebook I have a concerned ex-co-worker warning me about the dangers of putting naked pictures of my child on the internet and that pedophiles could get ahold of the photo. I don’t know how I would have responded a few years ago. Perhaps I would have sheepishly said I was not worried and in the back of my mind wondered if I was right. Thanks to you and this wonderful community of fearless parents this was my response:

Oh, you can’t see his front bits. I’m not worried. Perverts can make
something sexual out of ANYTHING. Even feet, or eating cake. We lock
our doors at night, try not to drop our baby on his head, and don’t look
for babysitters on Craigslist. Most sexual abuse happens with family
members, friends, and teachers/ religious leaders, etc. So the best
thing we can do for Ari is make sure that growing up he feels comfortable
talking to us and is raised to fearlessly express his boundaries. In
addition, crimes of that nature in this country have actually
gone DOWN in the past 20 years. I respectfully appreciate your concern
but life’s to short to deprive my family members of that cute little
tush. — A Less-Worried Mom

Hey baby! It's nice to see you (here, on the internet).

keeping the related masses happy

2011-05-30T12:42:00.006-05:00

I have a self-imposed rule, where I only post pictures of adam on facebook once a month. I think that when he's older it might even go down to once every three months. this is because, all long-distance relatives aside, some of my other friends may not want to look at his poopy diapers every day of the week.

but inquiring minds want to know how our week in regina went, and who am I to deny? anyway, random facebookers don't always know about the existence of this blog, it's the realm of aunties and grandmas for the most part. so!

hanging out at the airport. on the advice of another blogger who just took her nine-month-old flying across the atlantic, I packed two new toys and one beloved toy in my carry-on. teddy bear is loved more than I am.

adam, as it turns out, is an excellent flyer. both ways, he was hungry and downed his bottle before we even ascended, but it didn't matter because then we cuddled and he fell asleep. THIS KID NEVER FALLS ASLEEP ON ME WHILE I SIT PERFECTLY STILL. chalk it up to the noise and vibration of a very tiny plane.

I, as it turns out, am a nervous flyer when I have him with me. anxiety over catching the plane on time and getting through security with all his liquids, and MUCHOS anxiety when we land. we're going way too fast! when we touched ground in winnipeg I actually whimpered.

airplane rides are worth it for these pretty girls. adam enjoyed the pinkest week of his life in regina but I very very VERY much don't care. I think after taking pictures of this tea party, one of the babies tipped backwards in the chair. not sure. the number of times the babies fall backwards their heads is simply staggering.

uncle jared teaches adam the importance of not wearing a shirt ever.

exhibit A of "hannah makes the most awesome faces." also, she has the most awesome hair.

my niece, iggy pop. she has good hair, too, but mostly when she first wakes up.

I think kaylin's house was good for him. always something going on and getting ignored for other babies from time to time and always someone else to look at. life at home with mom and dad is a little bit like being the emperor of the very boring living room. they enjoyed stealing that drum toy from each other.

my nieces are stunningly beautiful and I am not biased.

this picture taken just for grandma traci's desktop background. now she just has to take a few of the 500 desktop icons and declutter a little so you can see the babies.

photo ops never last very long around here.

ponytails!

I used to put doll dresses on the cat when I was little. this is no different.

post ponytail, post nap. see: hannah has the most awesome hair.

playing in the basement because 1) my kid likes to wake up at 5:00 am which is 4:00 in saskatchewan, and 2) my kid likes to wake up and shout DADADA at the top of his lungs.

I will call hannah the best baby in the world and kaylin will correct me, because hannah doesn't nap much. it's a good thing she's almost always in a good mood because she's not going to sleep so you can have a break, that's for sure.

"read it, auntie."

exhibit B of hannah's awesome face.

oh hai!

I forgot to take a picture on the first flight but remembered on the flight home. this is how plane ride goes. thank goodness.

holy crap it's daddy! he's developed a new laugh in honor of seeing dad for the first time in five days, and it will be recorded and it will be put on youtube.

grandmas traveling abroad should know

2011-05-22T09:50:00.001-05:00

that adam is 18 pounds, 12 ounces. he is also 28 inches tall. this puts him in the 54th percentile for weight, and the 80th for height. he is a tall drink of baby!

this also means that, height-wise, we need to go carseat shopping.

adam is 7 months old today

2011-05-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

dear baby of gargantuan proportions:

burp cloths have colonized my house, baby. they're in the living room, where you often begin the day playing with daddy on the floor. they're in our bedroom where you and I often read stories and eat books together. they're all over the basement where you'll often have some exersaucer time while mommy watches michael palin travel around the world. they're in the kitchen where you eat, making tremendous messes with each and every meal. they're even outside now that it's nice out, and you and I can sit and enjoy some sun.

you're into all those toys that are supposedly good for teething, and yet there's still no sign of any teeth. if you don't get teeth until you're a year old that's fine, but you're going to have to justify all the bouts of crankiness sir.

your clothes pretty consistently say 12 months on the tag now, baby. you've got heavy-duty sandals made for a child that can walk, which I now jam your feet into wherever we go because apparently barefoot babies are a sin that strangers are always on the watch for. and speaking of strangers, don't you love them. old men want to make strange clicking noises at you, old women want to baby talk to you, and you are ready for all of it. we make a point of leaving the house once a day so that I don't lose my mind, and that outing often takes us to places where you can talk to new people in your own secret baby language.

you said "dada" this month, baby. that's a big deal, even if you don't know what it means. you often say "ada" which makes me think you're just trying to say your own name (your dad understandably disagrees) but if there's one word I say to you more than any other, baby, it's "adam." so let's work on that M sound together, not only so you can finish saying your name finally but so that you can move on to "mama." music to my ears.

in other news, this month you tried meat, and you tried jarred baby food. it turns out you don't like the chicken I made you, and that's a lot of work for you to spit it back at me and scream, so I am more than happy to supplement my homemade baby food with some jarred stuff that exceeds my skill. you're becoming quite the gourmand, baby. just the other day we went out for breakfast and you sat happily (if a little demanding from time to time) in your high chair eating toast and melon. atta boy. I think back to the dark days of newborn-hood and this is such a happy place to be in, baby, as your mommy. I am so proud of my more-or-less content, sitting up, but not yet moving infant.

you can take your time learning to move, baby. I know you won't. you're flopping around on the floor as hard as you can in the direction of whatever's just out of reach, and I know it's only a matter of time before you acquire the skill to match the intent, and then we're going to frantically baby-proof this place and batten down the hatches. the cats won't know what hit them.

speaking of them, "manifest destiny" is the only way I can think of to describe your attitude towards the cats. it's becoming more and more like a pepe le pew cartoon as they frantically resist your advances and you shower them with cuddles and kisses and fur-grabs. a cat is a surefire way to cheer you up when you're yelling at us, and I'm only a little sorry for them. for their part, they're both about as tolerant as we could hope for, and will let you grab them and drool on them until it starts to hurt, at which point they'll politely get up and walk away.

next week you're going to fly for the first time with me, baby. I'm not going to pretend I'm not nervous. you're going to be not much of a fan of sitting in my lap for that long, I'm thinking, but I promise to load you up with bottles and toys and games of patty-cake until we reach regina where we're going to see some cousins and play with their pink toys.

you'll do well. and if not, well, it's only an hour-long flight. we'll survive. it's been seven months already of rolling with the punches, baby, and you've handled yourself like a champ. what's a little airplane ride?

baby goes to the zoo

2011-05-19T13:36:00.002-05:00

was going to write captions but he woke up.

it's a line that's always running

2011-05-14T21:48:00.003-05:00

I have been meaning to mention adam's beautiful new cousin, avery. he lives in mississauga but I hope to meet him soon so I can have a snuggle with a brand new baby - I still don't want a second child but that has no bearing on how nice new babies are to hold. congratulations to anna and kesley for making a cute one.

wheeeeee

2011-05-14T12:39:00.002-05:00

we won a TV at a social last night!

when I saw my winning ticket I made the same sound adam makes when he sees the cats.

also, WHY IS THIS KID STILL WAKING UP IN THE NIGHT? he stopped! he restarted! what's the deal, baby?

and I was thinking 'bout how everyone was dying

2011-05-13T14:54:00.004-05:00

every once in a while I come to the conclusion that I am a GROWN WOMAN who should do her makeup like a GROWN WOMAN and that means wearing lipstick like a GROWN WOMAN rather than bonne belle lipsmackers - I am 26 years old and I am fully domesticated, I have a baby, I have a good job, but I wear little girl's chapstick to parties.

then I put lipstick on and realize it gives me clown mouth. either mine is not a mouth for colour, or I have no idea what I'm doing with makeup. I have always suspected it's the latter and it's made me anxious because no one's ever told me and why won't someone just pull me aside and teach me how to put my face on properly?

it's abundantly clear that I worry about what other people think of me pretty much all day long.

which brings me to how I spent friday morning: getting my first EVER gym membership. this is attacking about twenty problems at once, not the least of which are:

the intense desire to get out of the house on my part
the intense desire to get out of the house on adam's part (not that he could tell me, but I bet that a different place with different toys might appeal to him and there are only so many times a week we can go walk around the mall)
the intense desire to lose some weight and stop looking like I had a baby
not to mention the intense desire to look good at kaylin's wedding in a dress that has already necessitated the purchase of spanx
an uphill climb towards something I've told others about already. adam is the child of two very sedentary parents. I want him to like going outside some day and I tell myself that the only way this will happen is if we go outside. so we go outside. I want him to like moving some day, and I tell myself that he needs to see it in others and perceive it as normal. mom moves. mom takes care of her health. this is what people do. it's part of a greater campaign that involves rarely going on the computer when he's awake, and saving junk food binges for when he's napping (particularly now that he feels entitled to a bite of whatever I'm eating). as I said, it's an uphill climb. I don't even want to brag, so minimal have the changes in my life been. someone said to me the other day: "motherhood really changes you, doesn't it?" and I replied with "well... yes. I mean, it drags me kicking and screaming... but yes." I just feel it's worth pointing out that I still swear like a pirate in front of my baby but I don't check facebook in front of him. that's where my priorities lie.
where were we? oh yes. the intense desire to conquer my fear of looking like a rookie in front of others. that place is full of machines I don't know how to use, and protocol I'm unaware of, and perhaps a fashion show in workout apparel that I am not up to competing in, and who knows what other sources of anxiety for someone like me who is, as I have said, certain that other people are always looking at me and judging my flaws.

face your fears, right? I can be the fat queen of my living room for the rest of my days or I can risk being new at something. wish me luck.

quoting song lyrics to sum up my current carpe diem attitude feels a bit amateurish, but whatever. go listen to the eels and get back to me.

laying in bed tonight I was thinking

and listening to all the dogs

and the sirens and the shots

and how a careful man tries

to dodge the bullets

while a happy man takes a walk

and maybe it is time to live

doug is a photobomb!

2011-05-08T12:03:00.001-05:00

adam makes me not just a mother, but an incredibly happy one. happy mother's day boo.

baby mama's day

2011-05-08T07:00:00.001-05:00

Holy crap it’s mother’s day! For real this time! I actually get to celebrate it and if the legends I’ve heard are true I’ll be spending the day in a lounge chair with cucumber slices on my eyes, enjoying the occasional massage or refilling bowl of chocolate while a handsome man with a Scottish accent reads out loud to me.

Of course, this is a post INTO WHICH I HAVE PUT SOME FORETHOUGHT instead of the usual seat-of-my-pants operation this is, and that means it’s been written ahead of time and was scheduled to be posted IN THE FUTURE. I hope we finally have hover cars. What this also means is I don’t know, back here in the past, much about what our mother’s day plans will be, but I’m sure they’ll be photographed and properly documented later.

Carrying on!

Heather Armstrong wrote in It Sucked and Then I Cried:

“There were transcendental moments when I’d look at her and she’d look at me and there were traces of recognition and THE WORLD STOOD STILL I LOVED HER SO MUCH.

“But there was all this other stuff that I hadn’t bargained for, and I felt foolish for being so unprepared. The day to day minutiae of raising a baby was at times so boring that I wanted to bang my head against the changing table. There were only so many ways to entertain a three-month-old baby (Let’s walk into the kitchen again! Let’s look out the window! Here, chew on my finger!), and I knew it would only get worse from there. In the next year I’d be repeating words all day long, reading the same books over and over and over again, and changing diapers that would redefine my entire definition of offensive.

“I was discovering that motherhood was just like any other job, that the good and fun parts were there, it just wasn’t good and fun all the time or even most of the time.”

There were a lot of parts in her book that were very “aha!” for me. She dealt with severe post partum depression and a cranky baby and somehow came through it laughing and making me laugh too. she is also the inspiration behind writing monthly letters to Adam. of all the parenting blogs and such that I now follow, I can't recommend her enough.

And not that I think I ever had post partum depression. My glummest days are when I don't get to shower, and they probably pale in comparison to a true soul-gripping depression. I wouldn’t wish for it and my heart goes out to every woman who has actually suffered from it.

But on this mother’s day, my first, it’s brought home to me exactly how NOT ALONE you are as a mother. You can’t be. The chances of losing your mind probably decrease ten-fold when you surround yourself with friends and family, and I have some of the best.

To Kaylin, if I didn’t talk to you every single day I would probably have no idea how a baby worked. You are my favourite mother in action and your daughters are so wonderful, as well as so conveniently older than adam.

To Courtenay, who has made me everything from a carseat cover to an amazing meal to THE BABY SHOWER OF A LIFETIME THAT I WILL NEVER PROPERLY PAY HER BACK FOR. I love your perspective, and your infinite capacity for patience and love, and your intense need for SNUGGLES. I still remember a text message I sent to you: “we need to get together. Three guesses why. Don’t tell Kyle.” You helped me through some very scary six-weeks-pregnant days and you are still helping me today. PLEASE DON’T MOVE TO DAUPHIN I BEG YOU.

To Meredith and Traci: what up my grandmas? No one knows quite like you guys just how much Adam can scream. And no one understands better that sometimes I just need a break. I am the luckiest person to have you both in the same city as me, a phone call away, there for Doug and I in any way whether it be babysitting or errand running or just someone to brag to. I’m just saying, that kid sits up, you know who’s getting a text.

To an as-yet unacknowledged phenomenon that’s taken hold of me while on maternity leave: when the baby sleeps, I stalk around on facebook, friending and refriending all the people I haven’t seen in years, mostly because I want to see their babies too. It creeps up on you overnight, this phase where everyone you know becomes a parent, and suddenly someone you once stayed up until 4 a.m. with, wearing a toga, waiting for pita pit to JUST DELIVER YOUR DAMN PITA ALREADY, that person is a mother too. It’s also completely true that when you become a parent your brains melt out your nose while you’re sleeping and all you have the mental capacity to do is think and talk about and look at babies. So to all the baby mommas whose pictures I’m cooing over, thank you. Keep ‘em coming, Kristyn needs her fix.

To all the “I’m not really into babies” people in my life – please keep on helping me with perspective. Sometimes I go out in public and try to see how long I can go without bringing up Adam, or Adam’s poop, or Adam’s latest trick. THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT TASK. I have a lot of baby-less friends who are putting up with it marvellously, concealing their yawns and gracefully changing the subject. I work on still reading books and keeping up with current affairs so that they’ll continue to talk to me and this is probably good for me. Unfortunately, there is no day of the year that Hallmark dedicates to the childless, so in place of a greeting card all you’re going to get is a thank you, for motivating me to think about something outside of the baby once in a while.

Last but not least to Doug, who is so good with his son. I get a lot of help, and there’s almost nothing I do that he can’t even if I’m pretty sure I can do it better. He not only takes on a truckload of responsibility with Adam, he listens to me bitch and complain when it’s not to my exacting standards and still hasn’t told me to get a grip. It’s not Father’s Day, so more gushing will have to wait until then. I’m just saying, he’s a good father and in spite of my harpying, I know it.

To anyone and everyone that I really should be naming but I haven’t because, as I said, my brains have leaked out my nose, thank you. I understand now why gestating doesn’t count, I understand that I am in the trenches and life is so much harder but so much more wonderful now, and I am really grateful to EVERYBODY who helps me with it, or listens to me talk about it. Just please stop trying to convince me to have another one.

droolin' on the couch like a boss, too

2011-05-06T13:53:00.000-05:00

sittin' up like a boss.

oh right, this is supposed to be about babies.

2011-05-05T13:45:00.003-05:00

true story, I forgot to bring a camera battery to the family reunion. the camera was remembered, if that's anything.

and since then, I just haven't really gotten around to putting a working battery in the camera. two weeks of adam's life have slipped away without me photographing him. that's insane. what is this, the days before digital cameras?

so here, I'll make up for it. this is the spree of only about two and a half hours in our lives.

before I took this picture he had his hands in the air like han solo frozen in carbonite. I love you, I told him. I know, he told me. that really, more or less, sums up our relationship to date. of course you love me mom. now come change my diaper.

I would have left the door open if not for the cats. I opened the windows and peeled vegetables at the kitchen counter while he took an outside nap. there are parts of the world where babies do this in the dead of winter, so don't you judge me. he loved it.

missing is lunch, where he made a masterpiece of his carrots, broccoli, and sweet potato. the more tech-savvy fans of this baby might be able to zoom in on the remnants on the side of his face. I give this kid an awful lot of finger food, which means I find it in some pretty amazing places later.

if it doesn't go in his mouth, it's no good to him.

nom.

ignore-o-clock. actually, an exersaucer in the kitchen is a great way to watch mom cook and clean, but mostly watch CATS. what are they doing? are they looking out the window? are they eating? are they fighting over a beer box that mom and dad still haven't put in the recycling? that shit is crazy, and adam's gotta see it happen.

if this isn't teething drool, I don't want to see teething drool.

a couple of notes, if you are my sister I am thinking of you an awful lot. if you are not my sister, kaylin had to have her gallbladder removed yesterday somewhat emergently, but she's doing well now and I love her, even if she did steal my babysitter (mom) for saturday night.

if you are my cousin or my aunt, please please send me some pictures of the family reunion. we did epic things like take over the fifth floor of a hotel and decimate a buffet every single night, but I have no proof!

also, next time we do this if we play jeopardy and rhodel dresses up as alex trebek, I am going to dress up as norm macdonald in the greatest snl bit of all time.

after this I'll go back to being meek, I swear

2011-05-02T09:46:00.003-05:00

I know I don't write.

but I feel opinionated.

go vote today!

as brendan said on facebook earlier, we may not live to see another Canadian election as significant and unpredictable as this one.

if you still don't really know where you stand, there are a lot of fun tools on the internet (here is just one) to help you figure out your political leanings.

there are still disenfranchised people all over the world. there are people willing to die for a say in how their country is run. we are lucky lucky shits in canada but voter turnout just seems to get lower all the time.

I think too many people in my generation see a problem with their world (take metered internet access for example) and then think complaining about it on facebook is the way to fix it. these people (you people?) are morons. GO HERE, punch in your postal code, find out where you need to go and take fifteen minutes to vote. bring your driver's license.

come on, you wanted an excuse to get out today anyway.

----

on another note, is osama bin laden dead?

of course he is.

should we be proud?

that's a gray area.

I will say one thing, however. the real fun in facebook sometimes is just seeing how many of the people you friend are practically strangers. you have nothing in common but a shared workplace five years ago and yet you can see each others' baby videos. it's a great reminder that not everyone in the world thinks like you (see: the arcade fire winning album of the year at the grammys and me learning that not everyone knows who the arcade fire is. I live in a bubble and I think everyone loves them, even my mom. go figure.)

where I'm going with this is, I apparently have quite a few facebook acquaintances who are convinced that the world is fixed now that osama bin laden is dead. oh. my. goodness. cheering and typing in all caps and (do they know they're canadian?) wishing they were in front of the white house for the party.

a friend of a friend (I really have to make that disclaimer) actually commented on a post, saying, "thats great that they say they have proof but He's evil he always has tricks up his sleeve .. Still not sure what to think yet."

I'm sorry, he's what?

osama bin laden is not, was not, evil. he was an old man, on dialysis, living a life in hiding. he had followers, and he had grandiose and wrong ideas about the world and about what his religion expected of him. specifically WHY he felt that way was probably very complicated and very multifactorial and I can't just link it right now (remind me to reread some sources some time) but I'll go out on a limb and say this: we in the western world have no right to sit here and assume that we've never done anything to make anyone, anywhere, ever ever ever not like us. nor have our actions before AND after september 11, 2001 always made us look like the good guys. this is a silly, anticlimactic victory that we were by no means 100% entitled to.

I love p.z. myers. I love pharyngula. I would quote him all the live-long day. his post about the capture/death of bin laden was excellent and is the best way I can think of to end this post so I can go vote for the world I wish to live in:

While it's necessary to stop terrorists, sometimes with violence, it is barbarous to gloat over the execution of an enemy. I find the chanting crowds cheering over the corpse disturbing, and the triumphal tone of our leaders is misplaced. We killed hundreds of thousands of civilians and threw away trillions of dollars, and our trophy is the bloody corpse of one old man? There's no victory in that.

adam is 6 months old today

2011-04-22T10:40:00.002-05:00

dear baby who runs mom ragged:

this is the first time I'm writing this letter as fast as possible and at the last minute, baby. you've had a busy week of cousins, and grandmas, and aunties and uncles, and now while you nap we've been packing up to go on a road trip to brandon where you're only going to have to face MORE cousins and grandmas and aunties and uncles.

you'll do fine.

even if you don't, you'll be loved.

and I'm not saying you always do fine in a crowd. you've noticed what a big place the world is, baby, and sometimes that's awesome in a take-you-grocery-shopping-and-let-you-stare-at-all-the-big-shelves-and-talk-to-old-men way. sometimes it's not so awesome, in a there-are-too-many-people-here-mom-please-let-me-crawl-back-inside-the-womb way.

so we're looking forward to a fun weekend! baby's first easter is kind of a big deal even though your mother just feels it's about chocolate, bunnies, and wearing something nice on sunday. baby's first family reunion is going to be fun because you have lots of third cousins you've never met, and a pool you'd probably like to swim in, and a canad inns buffet full of fruit that I'm going to puree because it's too hard for me to buy it and serve it to you regularly. whee!

speaking of eating: you're good at it. two-ounce baby bullet portions go down the hatch in no time flat with you, and when we get back you're probably going up to three meals a day. you've started drinking less bottle which is kind of a blessing for me because formula is expensive, yo. and once again it all just reminds me of how incompetent I really am. you know best what you need and here I was thinking you'd be drinking 10 ounce bottles for the rest of your life.

we've come a long way from the beginning, baby. I read some things that said basically "don't worry if you don't love your baby instantly, that comes with time" and so I wasn't surprised upon meeting you to find that my most overwhelming sensation was fear. RAW FEAR. I couldn't believe I made you. I couldn't believe I was actually going to be left alone with you. I wasn't entirely sure I could keep you alive and get you through your childhood with no serious emotional scars.

now, I kiss you nearly constantly. I can't get enough of your smell and your skin and your hair. I rush home to see you. I light up with the biggest smile I can make when I see you and, baby, so do you. that smile sustains me, particularly when you flash it at me at four in the morning (WHY DO YOU STILL SOMETIMES WAKE UP AT FOUR IN THE MORNING?) nothing about my early feelings towards you was very surprising, but now I'm forever in shock and awe at the depth of my love for your sticky sticky face.

I count my blessings, baby, because even though you're sometimes a little high maintenance (see: every family get-together where you're scared and unsure of the company), you have some other tricks down that make me a lucky lady. like sleep. we have stopped rocking you because it's gotten to be like wrestling you to sleep and instead we just put you in the crib and let you get on with it. and boy do you ever. I know too many moms who still don't sleep through the night to bitch too much about that. taking away your soother has had the expected side effect of you being better at self-soothing and your naps have predictably gotten longer. sometimes I get a whole two hours. that is wonderful, baby.

taking away your soother has had the additional side effect of you finding your thumb. adorable. concerning? maybe. but for now I see two big positives: you can put it in your mouth without my assistance, and you only put it in there when YOU need it. we were sticking a soother in your mouth every time WE needed it.

sometimes you whine and complain. sometimes you spit up on me and I've just changed my clothes. sometimes you pull my hair really hard and lately you've taken to opening your mouth really wide and trying to eat my face.

but I could not love you more.

now let's get in the car.

oh look another baby

2011-04-18T15:09:00.001-05:00

this goes really well until adam starts shrieking again and hannah cries.

sketchy bunny

2011-04-17T11:24:00.001-05:00

oh my word. baby you are growing up phenomenally fast.

he's not really naked is he?

2011-04-13T12:40:00.000-05:00

my mother says if I won't write, she won't read. a boycott by her is pretty deadly, given that she's roughly 20% of my readership, so here you go, a naked baby.

I can't go on enough about how much I hate baby clothes. why pockets? why jeans with a button fly? why anything that doesn't basically cover their nakedness and absorb their carrots.

you know what you get when you put adam in pants with pockets? you get the added bonus of finding pureed parsnips in those pockets later.

I used to love that babies could be dressed like miniature adults, now I wish whatever fueled that trend would simply give way to the practicality of sleepers, sleepers for all occasions. cover their nakedness, keep them warm, don't elasticize their waist so they can't move and bend. as it is, I can't take him out in public in a sleeper because for some crazy reason babies in pajamas in public = sloppy parenting. FINE. YOU WRESTLE HIM INTO THESE CORDUROYS AND I'LL GO IRON HIS SHIRT. HUFF.

circling the boat

2011-03-30T07:15:00.002-05:00

you're playing the theme from jaws, right?

finally

2011-03-25T19:35:00.004-05:00

oh baby it's been quite a month.

actually all I can think about is the last week.

I spoke a month ago about the nature of my role as a mother: to facilitate your awesomeness. when I wrote that it felt like an epiphany, and I've thought of it often in the weeks since. the ways in which I helped your awesomeness in the past month are as follows:

I introduced books. some would say to this "finally!" and some would say "already?" but the simple fact is, you like looking at pictures and putting cardboard pages in your mouth. and you seem to like the sound of my voice.

I introduced foods. you currently drink five 8-9 ounce bottles a day and eat two 2 ounce servings of some real food or another. you are a champ at eating, basically. you rage at me for taking away the spoon because you haven't figured out that I need to reload it. you love pears but aren't so hot on apples, go figure.

I bought some 12-month sleepers because YOU ARE THE BIGGEST BABY I HAVE EVER SEEN. seriously kid, you're getting heavy.

I, just this week, started taking you for walks outside. it's still a little cold but I think you dig that, and believe me it's a big help in keeping everyone sane for that hour before bedtime when you're just a raw nerve. and speaking of that:

I took away your soother.

oh goodness am I a big meanie.

we weighed the pros and cons, baby. there was a lot to be gained. you needed to know how to fall asleep without our intervention. you needed to get better sleep so that maybe just maybe you wouldn't have such grumpy times (see: every night from 6:00 to 7:00, oh my word). you needed to learn how to nap for longer than half an hour. and we needed to sleep through the night too, because even adults get cranky when they don't get longer than three or four hours of uninterrupted sleep. and at the end of all of this the only con we could think of was this: it was going to take some crying.

and now the world knows why I put off writing the five-month post. on tuesday night you cried for 35 minutes before you cried yourself to sleep. then you woke up at 3:00 a.m. and you cried FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. it should be noted that I didn't just ignore it, I went in every ten minutes just to make sure you weren't caught in a bear trap.

on wednesday night I think you cried for only a little bit, and in the middle of the night you only whimpered a little but otherwise slept for twelve solid hours.

on thursday night you talked to yourself for ten minutes before you fell asleep and then, apart from some weird nocturnal shuffling (more on that later) you slept through the night.

I'm not saying that naptime has gotten a lot easier, because it hasn't. but if only for the wonder that is YOU SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT, I am happy we did this. I also know that we're not out of the woods yet and that as you get better at falling asleep without a soother, naptime is only going to improve.

but I was reluctant to write your five-month post because a) I didn't know what this week would bring and b) this act of soother removal is a pretty big part of you turning five months old and I didn't want to gloss over it.

I don't regret doing it. listening to you cry is the most difficult thing I can think of doing, particularly when I KNOW that the solution is the soother and I could stick it in your mouth and stop the crying instantly. and the thing about your crying, baby, is that holy cow are you good at it. if we were comparing you to, say, your cousin Hannah... when Hannah cries it breaks the hearts of everyone around her it's so sad. when you cry, it makes everyone around you jump up and shoot me a dirty look because how did I not notice that my baby is CLEARLY ON FIRE. when you cry, people ask me if I've ever heard you cry like that before because surely that sort of scream doesn't happen every day. those silly, naive, happy people. they don't know you.

but we go back to facilitating your awesomeness. three nights into this and you're sleeping through the night as if you always wanted to but just needed to know how. I've noticed a change in the way you play during the day because you've been SO HAPPY and so interactive, and I think better rest is a big factor there. I am hoping that with time you're going to need fewer naps and those naps will be slightly longer, but if that doesn't happen you've still done something pretty big this week, baby. giving you a soother now feels like cheating, and seeing how you can get by without it makes it look like a way less satisfying road to happiness. you continue to astonish me, kid, with all the awesome you are capable of if only I will give you a boost.

and speaking of astonishing, I said I'd explain your nighttime shuffling. I remember thinking that I didn't need a video baby monitor back when I was pregnant and knew what you were doing just by resting the remote control on my stomach. now I wonder. because last night at about 11:00 I listened for several minutes to shuffling, and more shuffling, and more and more shuffling noises until finally curiosity got the better of me and I went to explore. into your bedroom I walked, and you I did spy, on your tummy practicing getting from point A to point B in the crib. you don't crawl because that would be crazy, but you perform a sort of swimming motion and I know it works for you because I walked away (and you were wide awake and looking at me but you didn't cry, go you!) and when I checked on you again at about 4:00 in the morning you were facing a different direction in the crib.

oh that reminds me of another big deal in the past month: you can roll over now whenever the mood takes you. and as always you're just leaving me in the dust, baby. I'm the proud mother of a kid who never wakes up in the same place he was when I put him to bed and I'm just a little amazed at how that happens. I have no idea how you can be so wonderful. you just are.

this is not the five-month post

2011-03-22T19:59:00.002-05:00

just a quick update everybody: kitties are awesome!

other than that it is trench warfare over here, folks. ken burns is hopefully going to take over my documenting duties some time soon.

adam is 5 months old today

2011-03-22T09:47:00.001-05:00

baby, your letter is being deferred. you don't mind. the why of it will be explained shortly.

but for the record, you're 16 pounds, 15 ounces, and absolutely gorgeous.